NEW YORK — Members of the Strategic Hazard Intervention Espionage Logistics Directorate are investigating Spider-Man after he allegedly made numerous anti-mutant posts on X. Nick Fury, Executive Director of SHIELD, confirmed he would be leading the investigation in a press conference earlier today.
“We can confirm at this time that his account was not hacked by a supervillain,” Fury said, scowling to the press. “We don’t think he’s under the influence of any symbiotes or has been brainwashed. We also don’t suspect Ben Reilly is involved. What we believe we have here is a full hard-right heel turn. Spidey’s based now.”
Press flooded Fury with questions concerning Spider-Man’s motives and if we could expect other heroes to follow suit.
“We’ve checked with numerous superhero orgs and they all guarantee us they’re not pushing their members to be based,” Fury said, still scowling. “In the case of Spider-Man, I’ve known him for a while and I can promise, he’s always been an annoying troll.”
The webslingers anti-mutant rhetoric has driven New Yorkers out into the streets to protest the once beloved hero. Some are calling for his resignation. J. Jonah Jameson, Editor-in-Chief at the Daily Bugle and longtime outspoken Spider-Man critic sees this “New Spidey” as a breath of fresh air for the city.
“It’s about time he said what everyone else is thinking,” Jameson said on a recent episode of his podcast. “Maybe he’ll stop beating up hard working Americans just trying to make a living and focus on the real criminals like that wolf guy that doesn’t die, or that blind kid that shoots lasers out of his eyes. For Chirst sake, that Xavier clown is housing weapons of mass destruction. He literally has a negasonic warhead.”
At press time, Hulk had quote posted each of Spider-Man’s hateful X posts, simply replying, “Looking into it”.
