YOUR HOMETOWN — During a recent session of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, you noticed that the map you were currently getting blasted on was an exact model of your home, sources confirm.
“I was doing really good, okay,” you claimed. “There I was cruising along this new map in first place when I noticed one of the pictures on the wall looked a lot like my mother. I figured it was some kind of Freudian thing and didn’t think much of it but as I rounded the corner and drove into what looked like my exact living room I was justifiably scared shitless. It threw off my whole game. That’s why I lost!”
Andy Jackson, an investigative specialist for the FBI, revealed that were not the only individual whose home was adapted into a cartoon racetrack.
“This is one of a number of cases we’ve received about this issue,” said Jackson. “Some people are saying, ‘Hey, what’s the harm? It’s pretty cool to see my home alongside tracks like Coconut Mall and DK Mountain.’ I ask these people to please think of the ramifications. Sure, it’s cool to have Mario and Peach racing across your home office, but you Red Shell the wrong kid, and—boom!—he lands right on your exposed tax documents. Next thing you know the whole lobby is going crazy about your W-2’s”
Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa released a statement responding to the controversy.
“We at Nintendo value above all us the safety and well being of our customers,” wrote Furukawa. “We seek to create joy and bring happiness through our games. Many players have expressed concern with the recent digital adaptation of their personal physical spaces, and we hear you. But this is nothing new in the current gaming marketplace. If you think Zuckerburg isn’t sending data from your Oculus to furniture manufacturers overseas, then we here at Nintendo have a Mushroom Bridge to sell you. So everyone just relax and remember how cool Tears of the Kingdom was.”
At press time, Nintendo encouraged you and all Mario Kart players to stay safe, wear clothes around the house, and generally make your living spaces less visibly depressing.
