Okay, I fully admit I’m in the wrong here, but there’s just been a lot going on lately and I needed a way to release tension. You can understand that, right? I’m not a bad person, and I’m willing to face the consequences of my actions. It’s just that, if I’m being completely honest, it’s kind of ridiculous that the Raccoon City Police would even bother to cite me for public masturbation.
You get where I’m coming from?
Look, I’m not making excuses. Ultimately, this is nobody’s fault but mine. It was a stupid mistake, and absolutely not something I would have done had I known there were sentient beings outside the Carnegie Love Delicatessen where I ultimately got caught. I mean, I’m not a pervert. Go ahead and check my record. I’ve never so much as received a parking ticket before, and I volunteer at the Raccoon City Public Library on Sundays.
Er, at least, I used to volunteer at the library.
How was I supposed to know there would be a huge, fiery accident involving an eighteen-wheeler and a cop car right where I happened to be masturbating? It’s a wonder I wasn’t hurt, and frankly, the officer who cited me should have checked me for injuries (or at least offered me a green herb) before issuing the ticket for indecent exposure and public lewdness. He may have been “doing me a favor” by not locking me up for the night (his words, not mine), but I truly think he just had his hands full with all these zombies stumbling around.
Also, $620?! That’s insane. And where am I even supposed to surrender myself with payment? I can’t imagine anyone is still working at the precinct, and anyway, that place is an incomprehensible nightmare labyrinth. I’ll be lucky if I make it to the front desk, let alone find the appropriate department. This is a disaster. If I wasn’t such an upstanding citizen (which we’ve established is the case 99.9% of the time), I’d just skip town and let the matter settle itself.
I’m not going to do that, though. Looks like I’ll just take it on the chin and accept my punishment. I still maintain that the city authorities have bigger fish to fry than an anxious man masturbating in public, and this Officer Kennedy (if the name adorning the top of my citation is to be believed) should get his priorities in order if he’s looking to restore law and order to this city. I certainly hope he gets his act together once this T-virus thing blows over.
Also, and this is clearly the last thing I should be focusing on right now, but I didn’t get to finish. I know, I know, but you have no idea how close I was right before I was nearly decapitated by that crash. I’m going to sneak into the Kendo Gun shop nearby to take care of business. Hopefully there’s nobody in there.
