WASHINGTON — The Senate’s Health Secretary confirmation hearing for RFK Jr. hit a snag after it was revealed that he willingly allowed himself to be infected with the Las Plagas parasite while in Eastern Europe, congressional sources have confirmed.
“So there I was in rural Spain about to chow down on this dead wolf I found in a bear trap when suddenly I was carried off by these guys from a local men’s group called Los Illuminados. It was quite frightening until they told me I was going to be infected with a mind controlling parasite under the watchful eye of this fellow Saddler. Having hosted a parasite or two in my time, it actually sounded like a sweet deal,” said Kennedy. “I mean look at these guys! They’re super jacked, eat a healthy raw meat diet, and are staunchly anti-vax. Plus the promise of ascending to a new level of human evolution unlike the world has seen wasn’t too shabby either. Aside from my veins turning black, I feel pretty good.”
Senators on the confirmation panel were hesitant about Kennedy’s willingness to incubate a deadly parasite.
“While we appreciated Mr. Kennedy’s candor, that he would accept an otherwise unknown ancient insect to his body without thinking of any adverse effects is troubling considering he is being considered to oversee the nation’s public health. Plus the hearing is dragging out longer than it needs due to him constantly interrupting our questions by screaming random Spanish phrases,” said Senator Mike Crapo. “On the other hand, this ‘Lord Saddler’ who apparently controls the parasite, sounds like a strong leader with an aggressively loyal following, which is exactly what we need here in Washington. It’s unconventional, but he could be an agent of change.”
Los Illuminados leader Osmund Saddler was still surprised by how easy his plan to take over the world was unfolding.
“I knew humans were feeble, but this feels almost too good to be true. But he didn’t look all that right in the head anyway, and was far more receptive of our gift than that other Kennedy. And to think we built a whole fortress and amassed an army in case there’d be retaliation! Looks like I won’t have to recruit Pete Hegseth after all,” said Saddler. “At least Los Plagas took to him nicely. Our attempts to infect President Trump’s sons ended with the parasites dying within minutes.”
As of press time, Kennedy was confirmed in a 51-49 vote, despite a blade whipping parasite exploding out of his head during the confirmation hearing.
