WASHINGTON — The US Food and Drug Administration is banning the use of Red Dye No. 3 in food, drinks, and medication, after President Donald Trump mutated into the Red Hulk due to over indulging in the carcinogenic dye.
“We’re monitoring Mr. Trump’s condition and are pleased to announce he has never been healthier!” Sean Conely, Trump’s primary physician, told reporters. “What began as a perfectly normal candy corn habit in October, has healthfully progressed into a gamma-esque radiation mutation, but don’t be alarmed! The President has assured me he has never felt better.”
Just days into his presidency, Trump has grown to the size of a regular Hulk, while retaining all the mental capacity needed to govern one of the most powerful countries on Earth.
“I actually have a great relationship with Mr. Hulk,” said Trump during a tangent answering a question about inflation. “Many people are surprised when I say that, but he came up to me one day, big guy, strong guy, tears in his eyes, he said to me ‘Mr. Trump’ – I wasn’t President at the time or he would’ve called me President Trump – he said ‘Mr. Trump, Hulk smash,’ and I’ll never forget it, that’s what he said to me, true story.”
The FDA’s decision to ban the dye is on the heels of Trump’s Department of Health Secretary, Robert Kennedy Jr., calling for the removal of all dyes in food, drinks, medicine, and hair products.
“The color red is a noble color, reserved for things like the humble tomato, ripe red peppers, and the blood of slain whales and bears,” said RFK Jr. unprompted during his Senate confirmation hearing. “These food dyes allow disgusting, processed garbage to masquerade as ‘strawberry milk.’ What even is strawberry milk? I’ve never seen a strawberry’s nipples despite years of searching, have you?”
At press time, President Red Hulk has assured the American people he will only transform during the incredibly rare occurrence of getting angry.
