LANSING, Mich — A woman suffering from osteoarthritis was recently denied the cortisone injections she needed to painlessly pixel hunt around the backdrop of point-and-click adventure games.
Having tried over-the-counter acetaminophen, physical therapy, and browsing the forums of AdventureGamers.com, hand brace-clad Louisa Carver still needed help.
“After running around in Beautiful Desolation and then looking for one undistinguished book amongst the hundreds of books on a shelf in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, it’s looking like I’m going to have to start playing controller games,” expelled Carver.
Before she was even declined, in order for Carver to find the phone number for her health care provider, she had to combine a balloon with packing foam, throw a rock to distract a goat, and steal a belt buckle from a fishmonger. Upon dialing, she had to guess the name of a gnome and enter it backward, before being placed on a two-and-a-half hour wait to speak to a representative.
“Unfortunately, having an extensive knowledge of the classic LucasArts catalog is a pre-existing condition,” explained Ronda Diaz, a representative of UnitedHealthcare, after a four hour wait and forty minutes of navigating the automated phone system.
While this news is upsetting to many Monkey Island fans, some loved ones of adventure gamers are not as supportive of this pastime.
“Normal boyfriends are up all night playing Call of Duty or Madden. When I’m trying to sleep, I have to hear ‘click click click’ all night while my boyfriend goes around asking unwelcoming villagers where to find a barrow in Victorian England,” bemoans Teri Taylor, a newer member of PAWG, People Against Wadjet Eye Games.
Louisa Carver is still going through her inventory, retracing her steps to see if she missed a Inland Empire check, in hopes to find a workaround solution.
At press time, Carver discovered if she sticks masking tape covered in cat hair on her face using maple syrup, she can use her friend’s ID to use his healthcare plan.
