TORONTO — Despite not being able to afford to go to therapy, local depressed man Patrick Cole’s friends have confirmed he’s been in better spirits lately after he purchased a new 4K Blu-ray player instead of seeking professional help.
“I haven’t seen him crack a smile in weeks but yesterday he was grinning ear to ear after watching The Beekeeper 4K Blu-ray,” Cole’s friend Michael Graves wrote on social media. “Things have been really rough for him lately. He’s just had no passion for life and we’ve been urging him to get help so it’s really great to see he did.”
Cole himself posted about his experience, urging others who suffer from depression to seek out their own 4K Blu-ray player before it’s too late.
“I was in a really dark place and needed help. Luckily I have people who care about me that got me on the right path. Unfortunately therapy is really expensive and I’m living paycheck to paycheck so that just wasn’t an option. But a 4K Blu-ray player was within my means and now I’m a totally different person. I’ve never been happier. Sure all the deep-seated underlying causes of my depression are still present but now I can watch all these 4K movies in Dolby Vision whenever I want without having to worry about whether it’s on a streaming service or if David Zaslav will erase it from history. To all others who suffer from depression, I urge you to forget therapy and get a 4K Blu-ray player as soon as possible.”
In a press statement, Panasonic spokesperson John Copeland shared that the company will begin marketing specifically towards people suffering from depression.
“In the age of digital streaming where people mind numbingly scroll through the void in order to find some semblance of light in their lives, we realize that our DP-UB820 4K Blu-ray player is the only thing that can give people hope. In this day and age, in this economy, it makes no financial sense to pay the exuberant prices for therapy when you can instead buy our premium player and enjoy true happiness the way only a nice collection of movies can. You’ll still hate yourself deep down and you’ll still lack purpose in life but you’ll always know that your movies will be available to watch in the most beautiful crystal clear picture. No algorithm will ever take that away.”
At press time, David Zaslav reportedly held an emergency meeting to see if it was possible to delete people’s Blu-rays.
