As has so frequently been heralded throughout history, the thrice-dead supersoldier Big Boss (aka Naked Snake and Venom Snake but only sometimes, not to be confused with Liquid Snake, Solid Snake, Solidus Snake (who is also the president of the United States), or The Boss) was the military leader of Zanzibar Land in 1997, an independent, militarized nation in Central Asia. The military state promptly collapsed after Big Boss’ apparent demise at the hands of Solid Snake in 1999.
Just one year before the birth of Zanzibar, Generation Z had begun, a generation that would go on to accomplish great things, like making funny videos on TikTok and being shamed by their parents for not owning a house yet. Though their influence on our culture cannot be understated, there is one place where they had no presence: Zanzibar Land. In other words, Big Boss never had Gen Z slang enter the cultural zeitgeist of his blossoming country.
But how confused would someone who had at least three clones, died to an artificial virus and lived through the plot of Metal Gear Solid 2 in real time truly be over some simple modern slang? It’s about time we found out. So pull your skibidi toilet halloween costumes back on and prepare to repeat the last two to three words of whatever sentence your friend just said in an inquisitive tone, because we are going to make like a Metal Gear Solid game and dive into a very obscure and niche topic to push the plot forward.
25. “Yes, Queen!”
For most of his life, Big Boss took after and looked up to his boss The Boss, so after hearing the tone of this phrase and piecing together that any admirable woman could be called a queen in this context to celebrate their independence and agency in their life choices, he would quickly grasp the implication and importance of female empowerment, even if he believes that all female empowerment must include a life spent blaming yourself for starting the Cold War. He might have confused the phrase for someone responding to a question asked by Fortune under different circumstances, but I refuse to believe that even he can remember this entire cast of characters, so he probably forgot about her.
24. “IYKYK (If You Know You Know)”
Big Boss has spent his entire life surrounded by codenames, codewords, and eventually even elaborate genetic codes for each of his three slithery little eugenics babies clones, so he would crack this little acronym in no time. And anyone in the military understands the value of intel and keeping it on a need to know—
Huh? Is that a Codec ringing?
RING RING
VWOOP
Snake: “Dammit, Campbell, not now! You almost blew my cover.”
Campbell: Sorry, Snake. I just figured you’d want to hear about why The Patriots are after your assigned target.
Snake: The Patriots?
Campbell: *Sigh* That’s right… They’re up to their old tricks again.
Snake: Damn! How are they even still around?
Campbell: Come now, Snake, we both know this mission respects continuity and quality storytelling about as much as Metal Gear Survive. Now, listen up: Your target has critical intel on how to baffle Big Boss, which could temporarily distract him from completing his next big scheme.
Snake: Big Boss?! It can’t be…
23. “He Has Main Character Energy”
Huh, sorry about that folks, for some reason a cardboard box falling off my shelf sounded like a Codec to me! I guess I’m just really in the zone with all this Metal Gear talk…
Anyway, Big Boss unfortunately knows the experience of both having and being spurned by Main Character Energy all too well, as he had it from 1964 to 1984 before essentially losing it to his son for the rest of his life. He takes solace in the fact that many superfans argue that he is the main character of the entire series, but Super Smash Brothers says otherwise.
Man, I need to go grab a drink! Better leave my list of itemized notes open on my computer where anyone could look at it, it’s not like I’m creating deeply important military intel with nothing but my imagination or anything…
Snake: “Okay, I think I’ve got it. Big Boss uploaded his consciousness into Liquid Ocelot’s dead body just before I watched him die, and now he has created Metal Gear Nucleosis Kaepernicus.
Campbell: Correct. We have gotten… really good at comprehending these insane plots.
Snake: Yeah, and I’ve gotten really good at numbing myself to the multiple deaths and revivals of my father.
Campbell: Hm… Anyway, the young citizen whose bedroom you’re currently squatting in is the holder of the Amnesty Phrase, a modern phrase that will scramble the genomes of Big Boss and Liquid Ocelot by targeting Big Boss’ intellectual blindspots. Since he was initially killed in 1999, his brain isn’t able to comprehend certain pieces of modern language that have been invented or readapted since then. That should destabilize him, and then you can enter the destabilization codes into his control device.
Snake: Deactivation codes?
Campbell: Oh yeah, those are easy for once. One of them is “dogsledder87” and the other is just EVA’s face typed out with a bunch of ones and zeros. Otacon can show you how to type that out when the time comes, if you want.
Otacon: It’s a really cool process! It’s been around for decades and it’s called-
Snake: I got it. Anyway, that kid just stepped out of the room a few minutes ago, so let me hop on that computer real quick…
22. “Girl, Ya Basic.”
Hmm no, that phrase would only not be confusing if they definitely showed Big Boss The Good Place when he entered heaven, or hell, or… Wherever you put someone like Big Boss. Talk about a morally complex knot for someone to unravel, sheesh! I don’t pity whoever might have that job. Maybe he would have a halfway decent understanding of The Rizzler-
Hey! Who are you and what are you doing in my room?
Snake: ❗
???: Wait a minute, you’re Solid- Huh? Where’d he go?
Snake: …
???: Must have been the wind. Guess I’ll walk around to the other side of my bed and- Hey! Who are you and what are you doing in my room?
Snake: ❗
???: Wait a minute- Where’d he go? Must have been the wind. Guess I’ll walk around to the other side of my bed and- Hey! Who are you and what are you doing in my room?
Snake: ❗
???: Wait- Okay, where’d he go… Something about this whole situation is-
21. “Pretty Sus.”
Oh hey, that would probably be around the right spot for this part of the list, Big Boss should easily be able to tell that that word is short for-
Snake: Suspicious?
???: AGH!? Who are you and what are you doing in my room?
Snake: …
???: Wait a minute, you’re Solid Snake! I’m a huge fan!
Snake: Heh. Kept you waiting, huh?
???: Wow, your ass looks even more incredible in those pants in person.
Snake: What?
???: Huh?
Snake: Whatever. Just tell me the phrase that will befuddle Big Boss the most and I’ll get out of here.
???: Oh, you want to know what number 1 is? Well it’ll probably take me a couple more days to find the time to finish the list-
Snake: The list?
???: Yeah, you know, for Hard Drive. I wouldn’t have guessed you were a fan! Secret military agents aren’t really our primary audience, believe it or not.
Snake: So wait, the phrase hasn’t even been confirmed yet? You have to come up with it?
???: Yep! And with all my shifts working at the Cheez Whiz factory, it’s gonna take a hot minute. You know how it is.
Snake: No, I don’t. The world’s in danger and I’m taking you into custody until you finish this damn list.
???: …*Gulp*
20. “Big Yikes!”
Right… Back to work. So Big Boss would initially take this as an insult, you know, “Big Boss? More like Big Yikes!” But then he would realize it was just a saying, and though he would be somewhat offended that this dumb saying shares his first name, he’d get over it pretty quick. He definitely won’t start saying it anytime soon, though.
19. “Hit That Dab!”
Fun fact, Big Boss actually invented the Dab when he was partying with the boys one night in Outer Heaven. Look it up. However, he named it the Metal Gear Smooth Move, in reference to the fact that it was the deadliest weapon he could unleash on the dance floor.
18. “OK Boomer.”
Big Boss would comprehend the comprehension of this phrase, and it would piss him the hell off. And isn’t anger truly the root of all confusion, at the end of the day? Or is confusion the root of anger? …Hm. Anyway, once he cools off by declaring a war on the brilliant zoomer who said that to him — nothing calms Big Boss down like declaring a war that he can focus on for five to thirty years — he’ll admit that it’s a pretty funny little saying.
17. “And That’s the Tea, Sis.”
Stemming from the fact that we’ve already established Big Boss as a feminist, he was also likely an ardent and early supporter of drag culture, and was invested in the finer points of the art in the few years before he founded Zanzibar. As a result, all of the confusion that he will feel from hearing this phrase will be derived from his mild perplexity about how he could possibly forget the coined term from one of his favorite interviews from one of his favorite drag performers, Lady Chablis. And in case you were wondering, Big Boss would absolutely watch RuPaul’s Drag Race if he knew what the hell reality television was.
16. “I’m Dead.”
Big Boss is presumed dead most of the time, so he’s pretty used to introducing himself as dead to those few people who can be trusted to be in the know, so he would be pretty empathetic to anyone he assumes is in the same strange situation. He would be less empathetic once he realizes that it means that someone is surprised, taken aback or humored by a situation or story, however. Then it’ll be time for him to declare more wars so they can know what being dead really feels like.
15. “Oof, That’s a Red Flag.”
Big Boss was in a coma when Exercise Red Flag, the aerial combat training regiment held by the US Air Force was implemented, but once he came to, he would recruit many of his favorite pilots from the group who went through that specific training for his forces in Outer Heaven and Zanzibar. He knew that his three sons were on the rise around then, too, so he assumed that they must be good pilots too, hence why he never tried to get the best of any of them when they were in flight. What I’m trying to say is that Big Boss refers to good pilots as “Red Flags”. Poor choices with terminology like this is why his buddies never tried to give the poor sap much advice on love. So he wouldn’t be too confused when hearing this phrase, but he would be deeply misguided in his judgments of who he wants in his personal life.
14. “He’s So Pookie for Real.”
Big Boss hasn’t really spent much time in Germany, so he wouldn’t know much about the origins of the term known as Pookie, but he wouldn’t put much thought into what it might mean on account of the fact that it sounds stupid. For the record, Big Boss would never call any of his friends or lovers Pookie, but pretty much everyone who cared about him would call him that and he would hate it. He’s just that kinda Pookie, I guess.
…I haven’t been allowed to eat or sleep for the thirty minutes that I’ve been shut in here, or even take any breaks. Please send help?
13. “This Shit Slaps!”
Big Boss would shoot your autographed “The Rise And Fall Of A Midwestern Princess” CD twenty-three times in a row if you indicated that it was inflicting any sort of harm or violence, including slapping, towards innocent people such as yourself. Needless to say, he would also belly flop onto the disc and crush it to shield you from an explosion if you referred to any of the songs as “a banger”. Seriously, don’t mess around with this guy.
*RING RING, VWOOP*
Campbell: Snake? Come in, Snake. I need an update on the mission.
Snake: Colonel. The target’s been secured, but he hasn’t come up with the phrase yet. I thought it wouldn’t take long so I was holding out on calling, but…
Campbell: Wait, so this kid is the creator of the Amnesty Phrase? What is he, some sort of genetic bioweapon designed to take down Big Boss in this very specific situation?!
Snake: No, it’s much worse; I suspect that we’re trapped in an online listicle parody that is meant to be played entirely for laughs, and the kid is the author.
Campbell: …Dear God.
Snake: Anyway, he needs to write the rest of the listicle before he gets to the Amnesty Phrase. Apparently it helps him to “get into the groove of the list”, or something. To make matters worse, he’s got the attention span of a toddler.
Campbell: Hmph. Alright, just keep an eye on him. I’m sure some imminent threat won’t endanger you in the meantime, considering how smoothly all of your missions have gone up to this point.
Snake: …Right.
12. “Let Him Cook!”
Big Boss is undoubtedly a masterful field cook, preparing and eating fish, snakes (haha), alligators and mushrooms like it’s nobody’s business. However, he has such a broad tolerance for strange foods that people giving him permission to cook could have disastrous results. City rats? Skewered! Decorative bouquets? Pickled! Your leather purse? Boiled for a thin, protein broth! It’s good that we’re beginning to let people cook with their unusual beliefs and habits in 2024, but let’s leave this hermetic military man out of it, ‘kay?
11. “She’s a Karen.”
The name “Karen” always makes Big Boss really sad because it makes him wonder what the world would be like if 9/11 never happened, and that would kind of be the end of the conversation. Any confusion derived from the phrase would only be from why you’d bring up such a sad thing, and then you would be the one who was really confused, unless you were a hardcore Metal Gear Solid fan who knows about the cut Arsenal Gear crash sequence from Metal Gear Solid 2. So yeah, that would backfire hard.
10. “Go Outside and Touch Grass.”
Most of the people Big Boss knows tend to go outside, and most of them touch or even military crawl on grass, so he wouldn’t really be able to comprehend the importance and savagery in these words. Imagine not having the necessary knowledge and perspective to absolutely demolish sad strangers on the internet whenever you want. No wonder this guy’s always so serious.
9. “Stay Sigma.”
Even after someone explains the context behind this unfortunate saying, Big Boss will still be confused, because he basically embodies the Sigma grindset, and he has generally had a pretty shitty life. So he doesn’t understand why someone would ever wish this upon a person, and if any gigachads were to stroll up to him and say this nonsense, he would probably feel pretty sad that they are saying they want him to start more wars and go several more months without talking openly with anyone except some guy who calls himself “Revolver Ocelot”.
8. “This Has Been Living Rent-Free in My Head.”
You would think that this wouldn’t perplex Big Boss since his son has been living rent-free in Revolver Ocelot’s head for years and Psycho Mantis can live rent-free in people’s heads whenever he wants, but Big Boss has never actually had to pay rent before, because some random military is always providing housing for him. To make matters worse, he would definitely be one of those assholes who insists that landlords provide an essential and valuable service to society, extortions, evictions and all. Honestly, I’m just impressed that we got this far down the list before we found an explicit reason to cancel this guy.
7. “BEEEANS, WHAT THE FUCK.”
*Cracks knuckles* Alright, let’s get down to business and—
???: Oh hey, Snake! How’s it going?
Snake: “Hrngh. Hurry Up, Kid. We’re Running Out Of Time.”
???: Look, this is hard work! Meanwhile, I can’t help but notice you haven’t given me an introductory name card that would allow my last name to be listed at the start of each of my subtitles, you cheap fucks!
Snake: You don’t understand, he’s almost here!
???: Who is?
*CRASH*
Snake: Argh!
Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: I do believe he’s talking about me.
???: Ah! Snake?
Snake: …
???: Snake? Snake?! SNAAAAAAAKE! Wait, yelling that at him has literally never helped. Still fun to do though. Okay. Pull yourself together. *Ahem* Hey, Big Boss!
Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: What? Wait, that’s not my name anymore I guess. Still, what?
6. “Stop Being Such a Sussy Baka!”
Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: …Sir, I am literally a third-generation Japanese-American. Are you trying to imply that I, of all people, wouldn’t know what “baka” means?
???: Oh shit.
Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: Yeah.
???: I’m so sorry.
Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: It’s okay.
???: I’ll try to do better.
Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: I would hope so.
???: Well, this is awkward. Kind of feel like we got off on a really sour note here.
Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: Yyyep.
???: Tell you what, can we start over? Just give me one more chance before you unleash your evil plan upon us.
Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: You’ve got yourself a deal. I have always believed in second chances.
???: That’s really cool of you, Big B- Um, Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot. Maybe we could grab a drink after this, talk about our lives?
Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: No chance.
5. “Sheeeesh.”
While Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot has certainly heard the word, “sheesh” a decent amount of times, he has the inversed, boomer version of the phrase in mind whenever he hears it. Although he may believe that something’s up when some 12th grader says it approximately five octaves higher than the word should used to be said, and the note is held five times longer than it should ever be said, he won’t be able to glean exactly what it means from that alone, gleaning only that he really wants to punch said 12th grader in the face.
???: Well? How do you like that, BLB?
Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: …I’m a little confused, but I mainly just want to shoot you in the head and then go tell parents to raise their kids better.
???: Oh dang it! Better rapidly shout out another phrase while you very slowly reach for your gun and aim it carefully at my forehead!
4. “According to All Known Laws of Aviation, There Is No Way a Bee Should Be Able to Fly. Its Wings Are Too Small To Get Its Fat Little Body off the Ground. The Bee, of Course, Flies Anyway Because Bees Don’t Care What Humans Think Is impossible.yellow, Black. Yellow, Black. Yellow, Black. Yellow, Black. Ooh, Black and Yellow! Let’s Shake It up a Little. Barry! Breakfast Is—”
*BANG*
Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: Fuck you, that meme was lovingly crafted by the millennial generation and you know it!
???: Agh! D-debatable…
Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: Hm? Oh my, you were getting so into your physical reenactment of the Bee Movie that you must have moved the imaginary plate of pancakes just as I shot, leading me to hit your shoulder instead. Well, one more shot should finish the job…
???: Wait! N-no… You n-need to listen to me…
3. “Netflix and Chill?”
Come on, this has to be the most confusing slang phrase! Big Boss doesn’t even know what Netflix is! He probably doesn’t even know what a television is because he’s too busy making photorealistic, inflatable decoys of himself that he can use to trap his enemies in a cyclical purgatory of distrust and terror! God he makes that look fun! And don’t even get me started on his ideas of “chilling”! He probably thinks it means hanging out Shadow Moses! Come on now! Tell me I’m wrong!! Because if I’m wrong, I’m dead! Oh fuck, if I’m wrong, I’m dead.
2. “I Can’t Believe I’m About to Get Unalived.”
How did it come to this? All I wanted to do was write a comedy article that combines references to a videogame that has been slowly fading into obscurity for the last ten years with the slang of my Zoomer peers, and now I’m going to be killed by the ridiculous combined consciousness of two extremely complicated characters! How am I supposed to confuse someone like that? Even trying to work around the clarity of his mind by introducing him to the prominence of the phrase “unalived” when he has lived a life surrounded by death and carnage that must be spoken of openly doesn’t seem to be enough, and I don’t even know how it’s taken him this long to fire another shot! Oh lord, I see it now; my life flashing before my eyes. My sister’s PS2, the time I went trick or treating as Psycho Mantis and everyone thought I was Bane, getting called an NPC by my own little brother!
Wait, is that all of the notable memories I have queued up? Maybe this whole thing isn’t that great after all—
Snake: Oooo… Wuhh…?
???: Snake! You’re awake, but what are you saying? Wait, that’s it!
???: Hey, Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot!
1. “UwU!”
Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: …What was that?
???: You see, it turns out that there is nothing that could confuse someone from Metal Gear Solid—a franchise built on blood, coolness factors and gratuitous monologuing— than simplicity and cuteness. UwU is built around appearing cute, something that Big Boss has never tried to be, and about self-expression, something that Big Boss never really learned how to embrace. UwU is a paradox of a universal truth that centers on light, playfulness and hope, blinding the darkness of Big Boss’ world. It is also associated with a lot of furry culture, which I think Big Boss would find very confusing.
Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: Gah! Stop saying that phrase!
???: Sorry Mr. Big Boss UwU. Looks like the power of friendship was the real metal gear this whole time UwU.
Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: NOOOO!
???: Well, he is dead. Or so it seems! Maybe we’ll see him again in Metal Gear 6, which is… Definitely going to be a thing. Hoo boy.
???: …I wonder if Big Boss thought about the Roman Empire very often.
