SMALLVILLE, Kan. — Smallville Animal Control reported that a dog of unidentified breed attacked and killed Derby Walter, 56, the latest of four mailmen who have been mauled, after what witnesses referred to as a game of fetch gone wrong.
“Please, if you see a scruffy little white dog, do not approach him, do not give him pets, and for the love of God, do not engage in a game of fetch with him,” said Skeeter Boyd, Head of Communications for SAC during a press conference. “If you see Krypto you need to lock your doors and call animal control immediately. We cannot have dogs thinking they can attack the USPS and get away with it. We’re taking a stand and we’re going to bring Krypto to justice.”
Autopsy reports of Walter and the other postal workers reveal each body was covered in bite marks, third degree burns, and copious amounts of dog snot. Krypto was reportedly in the area of all four attacks.
“The USPS is under attack and its greatest threat are dogs like Krypto,” Boyd said, waving a leash pole in the air. “We’ve already brought other dogs in for questioning. We will find Krypto. Anyone harboring this outlaw mutt will have the calloused hands of the law come down on them swiftly.”
Local farm woman and adoptive dog mom to Krypto, Martha Kent, thinks SAC has the wrong critter.
“Animal Control is just looking for someone to blame,” Kent said to reporters from her porch. “It’s easier to point a finger at an innocent dog than it is to actually go out and find the bad guy. This could have been any dog. Krypto’s by no means perfect. He may eat out of the trash and poop in the house, but he’s no murderer. And if he did murder those nice postmen, he was probably just playing with them and got a little too rough.”
At press time, Smallville Animal Control had received a tip from a parrot that Krypto had been spotted in a local Petco Store.
