Dear Parasites,
Due to the assassination of Brian “Working Class Hero” Thompson by the coward Luigi Mangione(allegedly) on December 4th, 2024 we, the owners of this country, felt compelled to address you all directly.
This act of unprovoked violence is the kind of thing you expect to hear has happened to a classroom full of children, not us. We, the people who actually make things happen and enrich your lives with the very products and services you take for granted. How dare one of you step out of line? When’s the last time you heard about a second grader creating something like the Cybertruck, ChatGPT, or Moana 2? How many children have had the wicked smart idea of destroying multiple complete films to reap the tax rewards? Has a kindergartener’s Welchian leadership tactics ever yielded dividends to your stock portfolio? Has your child ever maintained quarterly growth for multiple years by making up bullshit measurements for growth and user retention?
We thought not.
It’s a sad day in America when the coldblooded murder of one of our fellow executives, all of whom deliver results every day to the economy and most importantly, our shareholders, is met with indifference and even celebration. And yet, so many of you find tears to shed every time a grade school classroom is turned into a Jackson Pollock painting from the blood of children. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
To those of you who have embraced, praised, and gone so far as to canonize Mr. Mangione; enjoy this moment while it lasts. Savor it. Because while most of our pet congresspeople hem and haw and do a sad little dance every time a school is turned into a warzone and, as if it wasn’t obvious, they are merely providing lip service to something that will never be addressed. Because they know doing so would impact the bottom line of the very people responsible for putting them in office. So let’s see how long it takes for a bill named the “Brian Thompson CEO Protection Act” to pass vs something like the “Stop Children From Being Butchered Act”. I think we all know the answer. Luigi Mangione is not some folk hero nor is he some righteous crusader. He’s an opportunity. He’s the excuse we need to cinch the noose a little tighter around your collective necks. So as we said, savor this moment because it is fleeting.
Finally, once our good friend Donald reascends the throne, the real fun will begin. We’re in talks to have Secret Service protection for every executive in the country to ensure this won’t happen again; Anyone who makes an attempt will have their body pumped full of more hot lead than a high schooler in homeroom, and their bloody carcass put on display. There will also be a hotline where people can report suspicious behavior both online and in the real world — and be rewarded handsomely for speaking out — on anyone who is even remotely suggesting some harm befall one of our most precious resources: the capital holders AKA the ones our founding documents refer to when they say “We, The People”.
Kindest Regards,
The CEOs of America
