GOTHAM CITY — Masked vigilante Batman has reportedly been beside himself after he was informed by a group of teenagers that he smells, Robin laid an egg, and the Joker got away.
“I don’t know, I guess I just got so caught up in saving Gotham I just never stopped to think about other important aspects of life, like personal hygiene or Robin’s concerning medical situation,” the Caped Crusader said in a grizzly-voiced statement to reporters. “Who knew that all the physical activity that comes with fighting crime day in and day out could cause you to work up such a sweat? And that maybe when you name a kid Robin and give him a bird-themed costume, it’ll sort of go to his head. I’m gonna need some time to take care of all this. I’ll buy some deodorant and take a shower at the very least, maybe take the boy to a doctor. As for the Joker, well, that’s basically business as usual around here.”
Those close to the famed Justice Leaguer have noted a drastic shift in his overall demeanor since the news was delivered to him.
“I’ve not seen the young Master so down in the dumps since…well, you know what, I won’t say it publicly,” said butler Alfred Pennyworth, who is apparently also one of the Dark Knight’s closest friends and confidantes. “And right before Christmas, too. He’s taken all of this news rather hard, indeed. It’s certainly not feeling very cheery around here—not that it usually does, of course. He practically lives in that cave down there.”
Even some of Batman’s enemies have offered their sympathies during this difficult time.
“I was planning a winter-themed heist with Mr. Freeze, but it’s not much fun if the Caped Crusader’s acting all, I don’t know, glum,” noted Gotham criminal Oswald Cobblepot, also known as “The Penguin.” “Hell, I’m a kingpin and even I can find the time for a little holiday spirit. He should get outta Gotham for Christmas, go to Cabo or something. Never seen the guy so stressed out.”
At press time, Batman was spotted pacing back and forth feverishly at his local mechanic after the Batmobile apparently lost a wheel en route to the city.