You died unexpectedly in the comfort of your home and now it’s just your body and your Eeveelution of choice until the neighbors notice the smell. There are no bad Pokémon, but when a bowl goes unfilled for a few days, who can blame them for flirting with the tasteful temptation of human flesh? “Not my Eevee,” you say. Well friends, with the backing of Nintendo and Gamefreak, we’ve narrowed down each Eeveelutions’ likelihood to feast upon the remains of their trainer.
9. Leafeon
Like any good house plant, Leafeon requires its share of sun and water to thrive in your home. Should you perish with short notice, your little leafy buddy can sustain itself through the process of photosynthesis. With the use of vine whip, Leafeon grants itself independent access to sunlight, water, and the ability to bury you in the backyard for its plant friends.
8. Vaporeon
Vaporeon wouldn’t hurt a Cutiefly. It may lick the salt off your dead hand or try to suck the moisture out of your skin, but it’ll die before it even thinks about getting all up in your guts.
7. Umbreon
Let’s be honest, Umbreon is really cool. Too cool for you and your nondescript Pokémon trainer hat. You could have all the gym badges in the world and that would still not be enough to earn you Umbreon’s respect. It wanted nothing to do with you while you were alive, do you really think it’s going to eat your lame ass?
6. Glaceon
Glaceon can completely freeze its fur and make its hair stand out like needles. Discovering your cold, lifeless body, Glaceon may think you’re imitating it in a playful manner. Playing along, Glaceon yips and rolls around with your body. It’s cute, but completely naive to the gravity of the situation at hand. In its playful ignorance, Glaceon may nip off a finger or two, but it seldom scarfs them down, instead opting to nah on them like a chew toy.
5. Eevee
This is a tough one. Eevee is like unmolded clay. Their personalities only start to take form once they’ve established a relationship with a trainer. All that to say, Eevee will only eat dead people if it watches you eat dead people. So if you’re not a cannibal you can rest in peace knowing your Eevee won’t eat your remains and will simply just starve to death.
4. Jolteon
Look, Jolteon is a good boy and the best Eeveelution (if you’ve got some sense), but he’s going to eat your dead body. Take pride in knowing Jolteon won’t eat you right away though. It will shock and poke and prod you, all in an attempt to jolt you back to life. Once all attempts have been made, Jolteon will then proceed to chow down on your remains. Jolteon would want you to do the same if the roles were reversed, in fact, according to its PokéDex entry, Jolteon can only enter the afterlife, after its trainer has consumed its entire carcass.
3. Espeon
Espeon hypnotizes your neighbors and lures them into your house so it will have an audience while it works its way through your organs.
2. Flareon
The most huggable Eeveelution also has the most cut-throat survivor instinct. Die and leave Flareon with an empty bowl and it’s already decided how to portion you out for the next month. Once done, it will burn the house down for two reasons. One, to hide its sinful actions. Two, to create a scenario in which a new trainer adopts it. With a clean slate and an even cleaner conscience, Flareon moves on to repeat this vicious cycle of survival.
1. Sylveon
This pink nightmare is waiting for you to die. It will not only devour you physically, it will suck up your soul and essence. When it’s done with you, it will hunt down your family and friends, one by one. It will not stop until it is full and it will never be full.
