MILWAUKEE — The closing arguments for the State of Wisconsin v. Peter Gundy were made today, with a self-represented Gundy making his final statements to the jury.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is totally bullshit man, if it wasn’t for the stick drift pulling me left I would have totally won,” remarked Gundy (33) to the jurors. Gundy, who has no legal training, decided to represent himself after he claimed his female public defender had “a man chin.”
According to court records, Gundy was stopped at a DUI checkpoint on the night of September 24th, 2024. Officers observed Gundy had glassy bloodshot eyes, smelled of alcohol and had slurred speech. In between all the slurs, Gundy admitted to having three self-brewed fermented G-Fuel drinks before getting behind the wheel and was asked to step out of the car.
“Gundy first attempted the ten step walk and turn test, which involves walking in a straight line heel to toe for ten steps before turning around and doing ten more,” said Officer O’Malley, the officer who pulled Gundy over. “Mr. Gundy made it two steps before falling off the line and proceeded to fall seven times during the test. He then proceeded to fail the one leg stand and eye movement tests. After the failed tests, he was taken to the station for a certified breath test where he blew a .218 BAC. He was arrested and charged with DUI.”
Gundy’s strategy at trial was to shift the blame to the stick drift and attack the validity of the field sobriety tests.
“There was stick drift which made me fall. Companies like Nintendo and Sony think they can put out cheap products to the detriment of elite gamers like me. Even if there wasn’t stick drift, those games were poorly designed bullshit and don’t reflect my skill level. I’m cracked and those officers were lazy and put quick time events into the traffic stop instead of spending time making immersive gameplay. That is the problem with modern gaming today, developers are too lazy to make things good.”
The prosecution called into question the stick drift claims and claimed if Gundy wanted to pass their field sobriety tests that he needed to be more skilled.
“Mr. Gundy is trying to claim that stick drift made him fail these tests, but in reality he is just a scrub who needs to git good,” said lead prosecutor Mark Garfield during his closing statement.
At press time, Gundy was declared guilty and sentenced to coach a ragtag team of esports athletes to a championship while regaining his humanity and passion for gaming.
