WASHINGTON — The United States of America has officially confirmed that it will be backwards compatible with 2016 starting in January 2025.
While there has been much speculation over the last few months whether or not America would implement backwards compatibility for 2016, the country officially confirmed the feature late Tuesday night.
“While some unpatriotic dissenters would prefer for us as a nation to move forward, we are proud to announce that the country will officially support backwards compatibility with 2016,” said Vice President-elect J.D. Vance in a press conference, while his eyes longed for a new leather couch. “The fact of the matter is that Americans want backwards compatibility and that’s what we’re going to give them. We’re not stopping at 2016 either. Once we’ve fully implemented 2016 compatibility we will keep working to make the country even more backwards compatible. Soon we’ll be backwards compatible with the 1950s, 1939, even the 1800s. Cotton fields are coming back in a big way.”
The country’s elected leadership is more than happy to give the people what they want in moving the nation backwards.
“Anger, fear, division, ineptitude. Everything you all loved about 2016 will be available again starting January 20. We’re not stopping there though. By the time we’re done, this great nation will be backwards compatible with the dark ages. Vaccines. Gone. Autism. Gone. Gluten allergies. Gone. Women’s rights. Gone. Non-believers of the Christian faith. Gone. Prima Nocta. Back. Free reign to kill any animal that crosses my path and eat its innards right in the middle of the street while I howl in victory. Back.” said RFK Jr.
President-elect and convicted felon Donald Trump said that the push for backwards compatibility will usher in a golden age for the country.
“We’re going back folks. We’re moving the country backwards just like you wanted, it’s gonna be a golden era let me tell you. This whole place will be showering in gold. We’re going back to the times when women were women and men were men. That’s what we need and that’s what we’re gonna give you folks. Men are gonna be men again, yes they are. No more gays folks, no more gays let me tell you. Just big beefy manly men,” Trump said while pretending to give his microphone a sensual fellatio.
At press time, Democrats were reportedly briefing Hillary Clinton on Pokémon Go.
