WICHITA, Kan. — Calls for me to hurry the fuck up and choose my weapon were heightened amidst reports that the enemies are not going to pause their relentless flurries of attacks just because I have the inventory screen open.
“This is the perfect time to strike, so why on Earth would I pause or even tone down my barrage of shots, stabs and punches just because you’re trying to find the right weapon or health item?” one enemy reported. “Draining your HP is literally my only reason for existing. If you’re expecting me to just freeze in place and allow you to make these decisions at your leisure, you’re playing the wrong game. That may be a courtesy I’d extend to you in tutorial mode, but you chose the hardest level of difficulty, for Christ’s sake.”
I reacted to this revelation with a combination of surprise and anger.
“Fuck fuck fuck, they’re still attacking?” I exclaimed as I hurriedly selected the least effective weapon in my cache so I could return to the fight. “It would’ve been nice to know this earlier. I’d have made sure I had a better weapon equipped. Everybody knows the inventory screen double-functions as a pause menu. Now I’m stuck with the shittiest weapon and no way to change it until I can get to a safer place.”
My NPC teammate for this area was upset at my behavior around the enemies.
“I am functionally useless in comparison to the power you wield, so I’d appreciate it if you woke the fuck up and joined the fight,” he quipped. “Right now I’m relegated to hovering in your general vicinity and weakly delivering attacks to the enemy that deal essentially zero damage, all while you just stand there and stare into space. I don’t know what the fuck you’re doing, but you’re not the only one with a stake in this game, you selfish prick. If you die, I die. Has that even crossed your mind?”
At press time, an enemy delivered the killing blow after I accidentally opened the map screen upon rejoining the fight.
