HYRULE — Local resident and certified ophthalmologist Tarrin has no openings for the foreseeable future due to an influx of appointments with bosses with gigantic, pulsating eyes, sources report.
“I don’t see this changing for at least the next six Blood Moons,” the doctor sighed while smoking a cigarette outside of his Hateno Village practice. “It’s not like I can turn away these patients. Look, I’m as disgusted as anyone about the chaos that’s been wrought upon our land since the Upheaval, and I definitely do not agree with Ganondorf’s politics, but what can I do? I’m bound by the Hippocratic Oath to provide care to anyone who needs it, including his underlings.”
One of Tarrin’s boss patients offered to weigh in on condition of anonymity.
“I’m supposed to be at my post hiding under the floor of a nearby temple until someone can solve a series of puzzles that will unleash me, but I just had to get this looked at,” the boss said while pointing at a severely infected and swollen eye in the center of his forehead. “Doesn’t this look horrible? On the off chance that some brave Hylian swordsman notices this, I’m done for. It hurts like hell when I touch it, so I don’t even want to think about what’ll happen if it gets hit with an arrow.”
Kitu, a hopeful patient from Zora’s Domain, was distressed at her inability to book an appointment with Tarrin.
“Ugh, what am I going to do?” Kitu lamented. “My eyes have been so irritated since this black oil showed up in the water in my neighborhood. I’m pretty sure I have chemical conjunctivitis, but the receptionist at Tarrin’s office said they can’t take me anytime soon. The next closest ophthalmologist in my network is in Gerudo Desert, which definitely isn’t conducive to my skin type. I guess I’m just going to have to suck it up and venture down there.”
At press time, the ordeal was exacerbated tenfold when someone agitated the chickens in Kakariko Village, driving them into a pecking frenzy that caused multiple eye injuries.
