ANIMAL VILLAGE — RFK Jr has allegedly been collecting the dead bodies of islanders who fell behind on their rent in an arrangement with Tom Nook.
The former presidential candidate and avid carrion collector addressed the allegations in an unprompted video posted to his X – The Everything App account.
“About five years ago I took a Dodo Airlines flight to this island, and that’s where I met Tom Nook,” RFK Jr said. “He knew who I was, and that I’m an avid outdoorsman who has never met a rotting animal carcass I could say no to, and says he has a few fresh animal corpses I’m welcome to take with me, starting with this seagull who had kept washing up on shore and he was worried about attracting other vagrants to the beach. Anyway I snapped the gull’s neck cause he wasn’t quite dead, and that was the beginning of our partnership.”
Tom Nook, real estate developer and landlord, has denied the allegations.
“I’ve never met RFK Jr before in my life,” Nook claimed. “I value the lives of our tenants nearly as much as I do the property they occupy. Why would I want to see any of them dead? Any residents who have died that also happened to be behind on their rent is purely coincidental. If there’s some deranged lunatic harvesting the corpses of our deceased residents I expect them to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Teddy was a friend, and to see his lifeless body stuffed and posed in a threatening stance in RFK Jr’s study in that insane video is just heartbreaking. That’s not the Teddy I knew.”
K.K. Slider has announced a tribute album to raise funds for the families of the deceased titled “Always Pay the Rent on Time”, but has denied any wrongdoing by Tom Nook.
“Tom Nook is a compassionate businessman who is invested in supporting the community he bankrolls,” The fabled guitarist said. “After all, would a heartless killer provide live music every Saturday for the tenants of his village? I think not. Anyway, here’s Bubblegum K.K.”
At press time, RFK Jr was seen struggling to get a pair of glasses to stay affixed to the stuffed head of Raymond, the cat who was recently reported missing by residents of the island after falling behind on his last two rent payments.
