MOSCOW — In a stunning affront to tradition, a female assassin operating in the shadows of covert operations has revealed she was not, in fact, recruited from The Bolshoi Ballet Academy, or any dance studio for that matter, before embarking on her clandestine career, sources within to the underground circuit say.
“I was never much of a dancer so I started with combat training,” the woman, identified only as ‘Irina’ allegedly told US intelligence officers after being captured. “My handler nearly lost it when he found out—started shouting about how I tarnished the whole profession. He said that I’d never be able to break a man’s neck with my thighs. Why would I want to do that? Honestly, I am more of a gun girl anyway, I don’t know what a grand jeté has to do with taking out a target from 600 yards.”
Other female contract killers believe that Irina has left a stain on the profession of professional murder.
“Disgraceful! This is a blatant disregard for protocol and many in the organization are outright offended! I spent 15 years perfecting my plié before I even touched a weapon. This girl thinks she can just skip that? I mean, where’s the respect for the art?” an anonymous female Russian assassin stated. “The assassin world, especially in Russia, has long adhered to the established narrative that only women who can leap through the air, perform an arabesque, and throw a high-kick while doing a pirouette are worthy of becoming international killers-for-hire. Irina’s nonchalant dismissal of this time-honored tradition has offended the entire underworld. Ballet is as much a part of assassination as murder.”
Experts in the wetwork community have echoed these very sentiments.
“This not only marks a troubling shift in the profession but could also potentially alter the entire balance of global power. It is physiological impossible for a woman to fight someone without classical ballet training. Doctors have proved that,” said Dr. Viktor Sokolov, a historian specializing in the murder-for-hire industry. “To abandon the discipline of ballet is to strip away the grace and cultural depth that elevated these women beyond mere killers. Ballet teaches you patience, control, and the ability to strike from unexpected angles. Without it, you’re just another person with a knife—no elegance, no finesse.”
At press time, Irina has reportedly “gone dark” but a woman matching her description has been seen taking Beginner Ballet I at Madam Tutu’s Dance Academy in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
