DK ISLAND — Beloved Nintendo icon Diddy Kong has officially submitted a name change application to his local circuit court after being frequently brought up by mistake amid P. Diddy’s sex trafficking arrest, sources familiar with the matter confirm
According to residents of the island the mischievous little monkey wore a melancholic expression around the island after learning the hard truth that he shares a name with a man who owns one thousand bottles of baby oil and an L.A. home with suspicious tunnels and grottos underneath. He reportedly remained inconsolable for days.
“Me never seen Diddy like this,” said Donkey Kong in a statement. “News make him sad. Make me sad too. Name comes from great-great-grandfather. Very important to Diddy, and to me. Shame to change, but sometimes we must do what we must do.”
Residents of the island are used to hearing excited ‘ooh-ooh’s and ‘ahh-ahh’s from Diddy Kong, but ever since P. Diddy’s arrest, the tiny Kong has been sent various letters condemning his actions and even cursing him out from people mistaking him for the famous rap star. He’s been deeply depressed and barely said a word, according to friends and neighbors.
When approached for comment, beloved Nintendo mascot and video game protagonist Mario Mario had this to say: “It’s-a shame! That-a bastard P. Diddy had-a to go and besmirch poor Diddy Kong’s-a good name. Mamma mia…it’s-a not fair. If Diddy is-a gonna be accused of a crime, it should be hitting me-a with a blue shell. Wahoo!”
Other citizens of Donkey Kong Island and the Mushroom Kingdom reportedly reached out to Diddy Kong upon hearing the sad news. Diddy’s peer and frequent kart-racing partner Bowser Jr. expressed his sympathies during this difficult time.
“That really smarts, man.” Jr. said. “I mean, I’m named after my dad, who’s a pretty bad guy. He’s kidnapped the princess and tried to take over the kingdoms so many times, I’ve lost count at this point! But even he’s not as bad as P. Diddy. I mean, sex trafficking? Prostitution? That guy’s plain guilty, man, you can tell. I don’t blame Diddy Kong for wanting to go by something else. I’m sure whatever he picks will fit him perfectly.”
At press time, Diddy emerged from the circuit court with a huge grin on his face and shared a certificate with his new name printed in big bold letters: Cosby Kong.
