TOKYO — Nintendo Co., Ltd. (NTDOY) has delivered an impressive new quarterly report for FY20XX propelled by strong growth and deep market penetration in the legal sector where the multinational video game company reported a 30.92% revenue increase from litigated settlements over the previous quarter.
“The strong performance this quarter reflects the bedrock of Nintendo corporate culture: lawsuits.” said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America, in a press release. “We’re proud to build on our shining legacy by continuing to ignore our classic intellectual properties to bait naive indie developers into making fan games.”
Revealing plans for next quarter, Bowser continued “We’ve randomly selected a number of bestselling titles to remove from the Nintendo Store. Sunsetting digital access offers excellent growth potential to sue ROM distribution platforms. We also expect substantial increases in advertising revenue with our new policy of copyright striking any video or livestream which even mentions a Nintendo property.”
Economics expert Bill Langston detailed Nintendo’s place in the market.
“Nintendo has been a leader in the legal industry for nearly four decades, first gaining prominence for their successful lawsuit against now-defunct Blockbuster in 1989. The stock has fully rebounded from a big drop it suffered in 2019 when Doug Bowser took over amidst controversy that they should be suing people with names that infringed on their characters instead of hiring them.”
Nintendo creative lead Albert Waluigi, Esq. explained the company’s principal design philosophy in an interview.
“Our goal is to deliver a new, unique experience with every game. We always provide something extra which has never been seen anywhere else—legally. That starts by patenting a very generic idea and hopefully someone here will come up with a way to use it in a game, otherwise we’ll just sue whoever beat us to market.”
Senior game tester John Thwomp offered insight into Nintendo’s Quality Legal Assurance department during a Nintendo Treehouse: Live in late September.
“Nintendo currently owns 8541 active patents for an exhaustive variety of hardware & software mechanics, including ‘Really satisfying button presses’ and ‘Saving princesses’. I got assigned to test Astro Bot and was having a great time until I realized ‘Hey they must have stolen this from us.’ So we immediately initiated action against Sony to recover damages to our reputation. Our nephews bragging during lunch is extremely important marketing for us. That word of mouth just doesn’t work unless we have the most charming, polished games.”
At press time, Charles Martinet had not yet responded for comment, but Nintendo Co., Ltd has issued a Cease & Desist against HARD DRIVE for attempting to use his quotes in this article.
