OMAHA, NE — Citing an “immaculate office culture” and a “can do spirit” from all of its employees, sources at the “Good Standing Insurance Company” confirmed last week that the firm is doubling down on its anti-union commitment. This comes just days after the mass firing of over twenty employees, allegedly for “pro union activities.”
“We have a really great time here,” said Good Standing CEO Gary Fulmer. “We hire rock stars and rock stars only. And we’re a family. A whole family of rock stars. You want some mean, burly union guy, probably with tattoos and all sorts of mafia connections to come in and ruin that? No. And that’s why we won’t let this happen. Because the minute we start to hear talk about ‘solidarity,’ the pink slips have to come out and we have to fire some of our little family. And no one wants that. No one wants to be the one to pull the plug on Grandma. But sometimes you have to say, ‘She’s having too many accidents on the good sheets.’ And then you gotta put her down.”
It is, of course, “illegal” in the United States to fire workers for collective organizing. Good Standing HR Head Traci Tathers says that forces her to be creative.
“Oh sure, I’ve had to get real clever with it,” said Tathers. “During the last, you know, u-word purge, I had one that I let go for ‘taking phone calls on company time.’ And I had this other one where I had to say he was getting let go because we said he was missing too much work. Course, that was because his kid had leukemia. But I’m not a monster. I sent him a lovely homemade sympathy card with his papers.”
Employees at Good Standing Insurance seemed hesitant to speak with reporters about the situation, but Claims Adjuster Peter Bertke gave a brief statement.
“We don’t need unions here,” said Bertke, with a kind of chipperness that implied someone might be listening in. “Our company culture is excellent. We are a family. A family of rockstars. All of the labor rabble-rousers that were let go were ungrateful, toxic people. I don’t need a union coming in and ruining what’s good about Good Standing. Which is the good culture. I mean great. The great culture at Good Standing. Yes.”
At press time, company executives were brainstorming a “compassionate, empathetic way” to let the general staff know that they were probably going to have to come in on Saturday to correct an error the CFO made.
