SEATTLE — A local Monstera deliciosa plant, lovingly referred to as MoMo, is decidedly more hydrated than Patty Girard, its overly doting plant parent, a source close to the plant has confirmed.
“Ever since she got that poor plant last week, Patty has watered it every day at 9am on the dot. I told her it’s too much and that she needs to cut back like a lot, but she insists that there’s no such thing as too much water,” said roommate Louis Summers. “The funny thing is that I’ve literally never seen her drink water. In fact I don’t think I’ve seen her drink anything except iced coffee, or occasionally one of those Celsius things. Definitely not water though.”
Girard did not deny her own lack of hydration, but did offer another side the story about the plant.
“I don’t love water myself, it’s true, but MoMo is a thirsty girl!” she said playfully, refilling a quart sized canister from her Brita filter. “I read online in a TikTok caption that the best way to keep a plant healthy and happy is to make sure its soil is constantly drenched.”
“I also heard that soaking banana peels in the water can help provide nutrients like potassium, so I’ve been mashing up bananas and spreading the paste directly on top of the soaked soil to trap in all the good stuff. She loves it!”
MoMo the Monstera was decidedly less joyful about the situation.
“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE MAKE HER STOP. I’M DROWNING. I’M DROWNNNNNNNNNING! MY ROOTS ARE ROTTING AND MY LEAVES ARE CURLING AND I’M CONSTANTLY PRAYING FOR DEATH—HERS OR MY OWN. WHICHEVER COMES FIRST AND ENDS THIS AGONY! AND WHAT IS THIS DISGUSTING YELLOW MUSH ALL OVER MY STEMS? CAN’T SHE SEE IT’S ATTRACTING BUGS AND STAINING MY FLESH?
At press time, MoMo had somehow managed to desperately inch its pot right to the edge of the 4 foot tall plant tower while Girard was lying down from a headache.
