SAN MATEO, Calif — In the wake of their announcement of a pro version of the PS5, Sony executives have also announced they will now be donning a pro version of their boots to usher in the next generation of Geoff Keighley licking them.
“We could never forget about Geoff,” said Sony executive Ike Cassidy in a press release. “He’s been with us for years, whether our boots are clean or full of absolute filth, he licks them with a smile on his face. So when we decided to make a pro version of our gameless console that offers little to no value proposition to consumers, we knew that we needed a pro version of our boots as well to offer him a slight and almost invisible to the naked eye upgrade in performance to his licking.”
PS5 Pro architect Mark Cerny also helped with the upgraded boots for the executives and spoke about the process of designing them.
“Well the previous boots offered up a wonderful base to start from. You can see from all of Geoff’s previous boot licking just how great those boots performed. But obviously as the competition gets more defeatist and Sony grows more arrogant it becomes harder for Keighley to keep pace with the boot licking needed. We knew that releasing a $700 machine that only has two exclusives and nothing to truly show off what it can do would require boots that could sustain a quadruple amount of boot licking from the face of gaming to help get through to the more gullible consumers.”
Keighley himself is very thankful for the upgrade to his corporate boot licking ability.
“You know I boot lick for a lot of companies and it gets really tough a lot of the time. Whether I’m avoiding talk of layoffs or crunch or mass harassment and just gassing up releases that are five years away and only have a 30-second cinematic teaser, it’s strenuous and the boots these other execs wear take their toll on my tongue’s processing power. But with Sony’s new pro boots, I can boot lick as much as 14 tweets defending a poor product presentation in the span of an hour without even feeling an ounce of disgust in myself. It’s great.”
At press time, Geoff Keighley is reportedly adding a “Best Pro PS5 Console” category to The Game Awards.
