MIAMI, Fla. — A very high person playing Mario Kart is reportedly thrilled to be winning Rainbow Road and unaware they are, in fact, looking at someone else’s square.
“This is amazing, man,” remarked Samantha Marti. “I’ve never been able to play any Rainbow Road without falling off like 30 times. Usually I beg the guys not to pick any cups with one. And I can never win tournaments because it’s my weak spot. But I must just really be in the zone right now. I bet the weed is enhancing my senses and abilities. I’m like a cat in the night. That can drive a sneaker. Wait, I thought I picked the Benz.”
Dallas Smith, Samantha’s friend and Mario Kart competitor, shed some light on the ongoing incident.
“Yeah, she’s looking at the wrong square,” said Smith. “We had homemade brownies and she’s super fucked up. Her Yoshi has been carried by Lakitu for like 95% of the game. I’m the one winning but I don’t have the heart to tell her. She actually suggested we bet on the outcome, but I think I can trick her with a Five Guys receipt I found in my pocket so I don’t have to break the illusion or give up any cash.”
A lead expert on Karting under the influence, Jayme Krause, was able to expand upon how common this issue is.
“I’ve been studying the issue of Karting under the influence for my entire professional career, and studies consistently show that a staggering 75% of stoned players look at the wrong square for at least one lap,” said Krause. “In this instance, the driver sounds blissfully unaware, but it can often cause confusion and be a real bummer. It’s actually the second largest issue caused by operating motor vehicles under the influence. I’m trying to get a grant approved to even better understand the issue, but for some reason I keep getting beat out by drunk driving deaths.”
Sources report that after the group finished with Mario Kart, they played Beatles Rock Band and were grooving so hard to Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds they scored a 2%.
