Everyone knows that Batman is cooler than Superman. Superman has all those boring flashy superpowers, while Batman is a man in a costume. Batman is dark and edgy, while Superman has a goody-two-shoes personality, like he’s trying to be some kind of role model. Most importantly, Batman is more human and relatable, as he is a billionaire CEO while Superman’s a guy from a small town working a shitty desk job.
This is why Batman has been in many, many movies where he spends two hours give or take against a villain Superman would stop pretty much immediately. Just look at how short these movies would be if the Man of Steel ruined them with his awful, tedious competence.
25. Batman: The Movie (1966, 250 minutes)
Superman would actually make this one longer. Don’t get me wrong, he’d have the United Underworld locked up around the eight-minute mark while Batman is asking Robin for shark repellent, but the movie wouldn’t end. It’d turn into this weird buddy comedy where Superman tries to understand what drives this powerless crimefighter. In an inversion of their usual dynamic, Superman would be the serious one, a flying Frank Grimes unable to accept the absurdity of Adam West Batman’s world. But ultimately, Batman would help him learn the importance of levity. It would end with them going out dancing, where Superman invents the Super-tusi. It would sweep the Oscars.
24. Zack Snyder’s Justice League (2021, 242 minutes)
A lot of these movies actually do have Superman in them, leaving me no choice but to report their runtime as is.
As all true cinema enthusiasts know, Zack Snyder is the single greatest human being who has ever lived, a reputation largely earned for his brilliant, grounded interpretation of Batman. When he learns Darkseid is a potential threat to humanity, Ben Affleck’s Batman immediately takes the most sensible course of action possible: invent the Justice League so actual superheroes can take care of it. James Gunn has big shoes to fill.
23. Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016, 151 minutes)
Admittedly, it hurts my point a bit that the first movie with these two together is, per Snyder tradition, way too long. But you know what? This is a direct sequel to Man of Steel, and the main villains are Lex Luthor and Doomsday. Who’s the Batman villain in this one? Oh, it’s KGBeast, a character so ridiculous you’re wondering just now if I made him up (I didn’t).
This is a Superman movie with Batman in it, not the other way around. And if Batman wasn’t there to draw out the runtime by hating Superman for being a dangerous vigilante who acts superior to everyone else (i.e.: what Batman does but with flying), it would be shorter.
22. The Flash (2023, 144 minutes)
In what is definitely not a ghoulish sign of things to come, The Flash’s climax turns George Reeves and Christopher Reeve into horrible CGI corpse puppets. And then it does the same thing to Nicolas Cage, noted living person, because it can. But sadly, not even the combined might of three Uncanny Valley Supermen can stop this cinematic Kryptonite from being long and feeling longer.
21. Batman Forever (1995, 122 minutes)
Superman wouldn’t actually change this one. He’d do some behind-the-scenes arrangements to make sure nobody really died, then use a mixture of super-speed and Kryptonian make-up to play Two-Face, Riddler, and Robin, letting the movie play out normally with Batman and the audience none the wiser.
Why? Because this movie needs to be exactly what it is for “Kiss from a Rose” to hit the way it does in the credits. Superman is all about doing the right thing, and depriving humanity of that song would be wrong.
20. Justice League (2017, 120 minutes)
The Whedon Cut, as it’s called when people remember it at all, is much shorter than its Snyder counterpart. This is partially because the Justice League resurrects Superman and his immaculate, clean-shaven face faster, allowing him to quickly save the world and doom the cinematic universe at the same time.
19. Batgirl (Never, 120 minutes)
Superman would’ve gotten this movie released.
18. DC Super Heroes vs. Eagle Talon (2017, 105 minutes)
I’m not really sure why there was an official theatrical crossover of the Justice League and a very silly anime made in Flash with a budget of about 144 yen, but I’ll be damned if I let some smartass commenter say I missed a movie. On that note, the other Lego movies and Space Jam: A New Legacy are intentional omissions. I didn’t forget them, although with Space Jam I sure as hell tried.
As I was saying, Superman and Batman are both in this movie, although both of them barely move.
17. DC League of Super-Pets (2022, 105 minutes)
Wait, this is a real thing? I didn’t drunkenly imagine an animated movie where Dwayne Johnson is Krypto the Superdog and Kevin Hart is Ace the Bat-Hound? All right…
Anyway, this movie has both Superman (John Krasinski) and Batman (Keanu Ree…OK, we’re all sure this was an actual movie?
16. The Lego Batman Movie (2017, 104 minutes)
This is the best Batman movie, and I will die on this hill. I’m still mad that the planned Lego Justice League sequel will never happen, in what is easily the single greatest outrage regarding an unreleased Justice League movie of all time.
Part of why this is the best Batman movie is that Superman is in it, but his lack of action is narratively justified. You see, Batman has serious commitment issues and refuses to let anyone get too close to him. And the entire Justice League hates Batman and doesn’t invite him to their parties. Christopher Nolan could never.
15. The People’s Joker (2022, 92 minutes)
Maybe I shouldn’t count this purely unofficial film, which is part trans coming of age story and part legal experiment to see how far you can take parody as fair use. But you know what? It’s feature-length, it was in theaters, Batman’s in it, you should see it, and it’s exactly as Bill Finger-approved as the rest of this list, so I’m giving it a plug.
Anyway, Superman is in this one, as an animated news anchor. Not terribly helpful, but at least they don’t assist Batman with his evil plan of turning Gotham City into a fascist dictatorship where all comedy is illegal except SNL.
14. Teen Titans Go! To the Movies (2018, 84 minutes)
Another movie whose existence I’m on the fence about. I think I saw this one on a plane. Or I fell asleep on a plane and dreamed about seeing it. Michael Bolton is a singing tiger.
This movie has both Superman (finally played by Nicolas Cage) and Batman (finally played by…Jimmy Kimmel?), but they don’t help much. You see, it turns out the constant stream of superhero movies is a villainous plot by Deathstroke Slade to keep all the superheroes so busy making movies that they can’t fight crime. Perfect plan, no notes.
13. Batman: The Killing Joke (2016, 77 minutes)
Realistically, a Superman Killing Joke movie would probably just be an adaptation of For the Man Who Has Everything or Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?, two dark Superman comics by Alan Moore that are honestly better than The Killing Joke.
But we’re talking about the movie here, so first we need a long prologue that has nothing to do with the actual comic. And Superman will have sex with Supergirl. And Metropolis will be moved to Alabama so that makes sense.
On second thought, Batman can have this one. Superman dodged a bullet here. And he usually doesn’t need to do that.
12. The Batman (2022, 70 minutes)
In this one, Batman must put his detective skills to the test against the Riddler, a villain of such formidable intelligence that he intentionally leaves behind clues to catch him. Superman could solve these riddles the old-fashioned way, but he’d probably think it was more fun to laserbeam the Gordian Knot. Riddle me this: who has super-hearing and can figure out exactly where you are while you’re asking riddles over the phone? It’s Superman. The answer is Superman.
11. Batman Begins (2005, 65 minutes)
The first act of Batman Begins, where Batman does all the titular beginning, would be pretty much unchanged. But once Batman is done beginning and goes back to Gotham City for some Batman Middle, he’d find out that while he was gone Superman already fixed everything. The mob’s been arrested, the League of Shadows’s ties in Gotham are eradicated, and Scarecrow is solemnly staring at a lake regretting he invented fear toxin. The rest of the movie is Batman struggling to cope with how all his training was for nothing, the one unhappy man in a saved city. It’s like that one part of The Lego Batman Movie, and thus a better movie.
10. Batman & Robin (1997, 50 minutes)
“I want a car! Chicks dig the car!”
“This is why Superman works alone.”
With its opening lines, Batman & Robin broke new ground by daring to explain Superman’s absence. Superman works alone, and will not help Batman because Batman would demand Superman buy him a car. It’s a better excuse than most of these movies give.
But what if Superman didn’t work alone? Obviously he’d be there when Mr. Freeze robs Gotham’s museum, using his heat vision to thaw everything he freezes. Just to be annoying, he’d probably make a fire pun for every ice pun Mr. Freeze says. After a while, though, this back and forth banter turns into a real conversation. Superman realizes that beneath his cold exterior, Mr. Freeze is a good man forced into crime to save his dying wife. He’ll convince Mr. Freeze to use his scientific expertise for good, and promises in return to assist in his quest to save Nora. There’s still Poison Ivy to deal with, but she won’t last long against the combined power of Superman and Mr. Freeze (and also Batman, I guess). The opening lines may be gone, but the movie’s final quote remains intact.
“We’re going to need a bigger cave.”
9. Batman (1989, 45 minutes)
What remains of this dark Tim Burton classic is mostly a workplace comedy. Clark Kent, recently resigned from the Daily Planet for reasons he’s not comfortable talking about, has started fresh in Gotham City. He gets along great with Vicki Vale and Knox, even if he keeps accidentally calling them Lois and Jimmy, and soon they’re shooting the shit each night about all those crazy bat sightings. Then regular Jack Nicholson tries to rob a chemical plant, Superman effortlessly stops him without disfiguring him, and one short interrogation later deals with the rest of the mob. Cue the credits as you awkwardly remember how much you used to like Danny Elfman.
8. Batman Returns (1992, 30 minutes)
Batman Returns begins with a flashback of Oswald Cobblepot’s parents abandoning him as a baby. But if you begin with a flashback, it’s not really a flashback, is it? The rest of the movie’s a flashforward. Wherever the movie starts, that’s where I’m putting Superman. He rescues the baby in the opening credits and makes sure he’s raised by a loving foster family instead of sewer penguins, effectively erasing The Penguin from existence. He’d probably find a better home for the sewer penguins too.
But there’s still the matter of Catwoman, another villain born because Batman frankly just kind of sucks at saving people. Oh, Selina Kyle’s falling off a building? Lois Lane does that every other week. Superman will save her, stop Max Schreck, and still have time to fly to Antarctica and see how the sewer penguins are holding up before breakfast.
7. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993, 22 minutes)
I know some nerd is already planning to tell me Superman isn’t in all these movies because he doesn’t exist, even though Batman also doesn’t exist. But this one is set in the DC Animated Universe, so there is canonically an off-screen Superman around here somewhere. As glad as I am that the best depiction of Batman ever got to be in theaters, that simply doesn’t make sense.
When The Phantasm starts murdering members of the mob, Batman is blamed for their deaths. This is the sort of thing Superman would immediately see on the news and realize he needs to intervene. Either Batman’s being framed or he really has started killing, either way Clark Kent suddenly needs to use the bathroom.
The Phantasm will still get one murder in, but Superman’s there to stop the second (and arrest the would-be victims too, we’re talking about Superman here). This one could be even shorter, but after this, Catwoman, and Talia, Superman is probably going to take a few minutes at the end to make fun of Batman’s horrible taste in women. Criminals are a superstitious cowardly lot, but sometimes I would like to have sex with them.
6. The Dark Knight Rises (2012, 10 minutes)
In an opening scene that I have memorized verbatim against my will, Bane crashes this plane with no survivors. This is a pretty textbook rescue scenario for Superman, who would instead save this plane with all survivors because he’s a heroic guy. Sure, Talia al Ghul is still at large, but Superman would find a way to make Bane talk before Christian Bale even shaves his opening beard.
5. Batman (1943, 9 minutes)
Made in the middle of World War II, Batman’s film debut saw him facing off against Dr. Tito Daka, an evil Japanese scientist with a name as Japanese as the white actor playing him. Early on, a narrator explains how “a wise government rounded up the shifty-eyed Japs,” which I’ve got to say is not my favorite line from a Batman movie.
I’d like to think Superman would refuse to be in this on principle, but around the same time he was visiting Japanese-American internment camps and praising their “more than reasonable set-up.” But he could at least use his super-speed to be racist faster, so now the 15-chapter serial has the same runtime as the classic 1942 Superman cartoon Japoteurs.
4. Batman and Robin (1949, 5 minutes)
Batman’s second serial ditches the racism of its predecessor, which is nice, but given the shoddy production values it’s more like they somehow couldn’t afford it. Batman now lives in stately Wayne Normal Suburban House, the lack of a proper choreographer leaves the Dynamic Duo’s fighting as sloppy as their detective work, and the eye holes of Batman’s cowl are not lined up with his eyes. It’s a much harder watch than the 1943 serial, and that one said I should be sent to a concentration camp.
The villain of this one is “The Wizard,” but he’s not a literal wizard, so Superman’s weakness to magic won’t apply here. He’ll foil The Wizard’s first robbery, which Batman does not stop at all because he’s too busy pretending to be asleep in front of Vicki Vale. Then again, given Batman’s level of competence in this one, it’s possible Superman would just choke to death on his own tongue.
3. The Dark Knight (2008, 4 minutes)
The late Heath Ledger’s Joker is often praised as the single greatest performance in superhero movie history, a chilling depiction of a maniac only made possible by the fact that Superman isn’t in the movie.
The movie begins with The Joker robbing a bank in broad daylight, or as they call it in Metropolis, “asking Superman if he wants to hang out.” It takes about two minutes for the guns to start firing, I’ll say Superman’s having an off day and give another two minutes for the credits to roll and Heath Ledger to forever be remembered for A Knight’s Tale.
But we’re dealing with a master criminal here! There will eventually be a director’s cut where it turns out Superman was playing right into The Joker’s hands! It runs ten minutes before he gets sent to the Phantom Zone.
2. Joker (2019, 3 minutes)
There’s a young Bruce Wayne in this one, so I’m counting it. As a child without Superman’s phone number and with living parents, Bruce has an excuse for once to not call him. Still, this movie’s depiction of Gotham City is so comically horrible that it’s hard to imagine Superman not treating it as his own personal playground. A clown is being beaten up in an alleyway at the very beginning for no real reason? Have no fear, Superman will save him! And he’ll save us from two hours of a director who thinks wokeness killed comedy pretending the clown who hates Batman is a deep character.
1. Suicide Squad (2016, 0 minutes)
Despite my best attempts to forget it, the Oscar-winning film Suicide Squad happened, and Batman is in it, if only briefly. Being made back when the young, idealistic DCEU still dreamed of being a coherent setting, the plot is kicked off by Superman’s very real and permanent death at the end of Batman v. Superman. Without Superman, Amanda Waller (played by EGOT Viola Davis, because this is a movie for true talent) decides the next best way to save the world is by strapping explosive collars to supervillains, one of which is Slipknot, the man who can climb anything.
If Superman was in this movie … well, there wouldn’t be a movie. Since the whole plot hinges on Superman being dead, Amanda Waller would never put villains into some kind of suicide squad, the world would be spared Jared Leto as The Joker, Slipknot would live to climb anything another day, and I would be slightly smarter because I had never seen Suicide Squad. Thank you, Superman!
