As the war for the throne between the Greens and the Blacks rages on, I believe it is important to remind my Targaryen kin of some very important information before bearing the fruit of the family tree. You may have forgotten some of this between all the blood, fire, and chaos in our recent history, but as a Targaryen, this information is important to our family ways. It’s like our other family motto says, “Family in the Streets, Family in the Sheets.”
They’re Also Your Aunt/Uncle, Sister/Brother
When you take a stab at your family tree, you’re stabbing at multiple limbs that conjoin in a way no tree should. The only thing more numerous than Daenerys Targaryen’s many titles, are the kinship titles of your bedfellows.
You’re Going to Call Out the Wrong Name in Bed
Rhagar, Rhaenys, Rhaenrya, Rhae, Rhaena, Rhaella, Rhaelle, Aegon, Aegon, Aegon. In the heat of the moment, you’re going to call your Targaryen cousin by the wrong name, but that’s totally okay, cause they all sound close enough that they probably didn’t realize you said the wrong name.
The Dragons Like to Watch
It’s not well recorded by the maesters, but most dragons have a cuckold fantasy that they try to fulfill with their riders. Don’t be alarmed if during passionate cousin time you look out the window of the Red Keep and see a giant yellow eye peering in. That’s just Vhagar getting his rocks off.
Milk of the Poppy Does Not Help with Erections Lasting Longer Than Four Hours
The maesters swear by it, but milk of the poppy is not the fix-all they would have you believe it is. If you’re suffering from a long-term erection you’ve been cursed by a witch in your vicinity. You need to locate all suspected witches in your area and hang them through the streets of Flea Bottom, to send a message to anyone thinking of casting an erection curse on you.
Sex with Targaryen Bastards is Amoral
I know I’m getting a little taboo here, but sex with a Targ bastard is the grossest thing ever. We all go through a hot bastard cousin phase, but it will wear off. Stick to the family.
