ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Ohio Senator and vice presidential hopeful JD Vance and his wife Usha have turned to unconventional means in order to maintain their relationship on the campaign trail, sources confirm.
“It’s nice to sneak away and do something private with someone you care about,” said Vance. “It lets us forget all about the outside world. We just lock the door, turn on the TV, put the volume all the way up, and sink deep into that sofa, you know? For us, it’s not about winning or losing. It’s all about making sure that we’re communicating and addressing the other’s needs so that both of us are satisfied by the time we’re finished. And sure, things get pretty sweaty sometimes—messy, too! But I never feel closer to Usha than when we’re crashed out on the couch after an intense play sesh, just totally spent.”
Vance’s wife confessed that she had some initial reservations.
“I was a little weirded out when JD first asked me to join him in his gaming room,” said Mrs. Vance. “He was all nervous and red-faced, and said he had a secret to share with me. I guess he’s been doing this since he was a teenager, but was always too embarrassed to tell me. Well, I’m glad he did. First of all, no one should be ashamed of their hobbies. Second, it’s been a blast! I never realized couch co-op could be so much fun. It’s also really strengthened our relationship. I guess you could say it’s more like loveseat co-op!”
Historian Franklin Baird noted that political candidates have used many strategies to strengthen their marital bonds over the country’s history.
“Couch co-op is very modern, to be certain, but many statesmen have, um, ‘shared their interests’ with their spouses, in a manner of speaking,” said Baird. “Abe Lincoln certainly expressed his passion for wrestling with Mary Todd, if you get my meaning. I understand that Dan Quayle and his wife apparently ran some very…high stakes spelling bees when he was on the ticket with Bush. Dick Cheney loved to shoot his—well, you get the idea. These guys knew how to keep things fresh in their relationships.”
At press time, Mrs. Vance was reportedly inconsolable after returning to their home unexpectedly, only to discover her husband viciously fucking a rubber glove jammed between two couch cushions.
