The James Bond series is known for many things. Globe-trotting adventures, blood-pumping action, diabolical villains with overly theatrical lairs, strange henchmen that have a single quirk that encapsulates their entire persona, elaborate death traps that take just long enough for Bond to escape before he’s killed, and so on. Perhaps the thing which the series is most known for next to Bond himself is the Bond Girl.
Bond Girls come in many forms. Some are femme fatales, some are outright enemies, some are allies and some are just one-night stands. Some of them are just as badass and skillful as Bond, some of them are complete ditzes only there for eye candy and some of them are Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist. While they all come from different backgrounds, have different motivations, different skills, and different amounts of plausibility, the one thing every Bond Girl has in common is that they are the most beautiful women on earth. James Bond has the most rizz that anyone with rizz has ever rizzed.
There’s a reason that all men want to be James Bond and that’s because all the women want to be with him. Even the Bond girls he doesn’t sleep with are still charmed by him. I on the other hand am the exact opposite. Men don’t want to be me and women don’t want to be with me. I write entertainment satire on the internet for goodness sake. I have negative rizz. The only thing I have any skill at is fumbling. It’s why my mom has no choice but to resign to the fact she will get no grandchildren from me and I have no choice but to accept my fate of dying alone while playing Mass Effect. I fumble women so much that I’d win a medal at it if being bad at dating was an Olympic sport so I’d stand no chance at even existing as a human in the vicinity of a Bond Girl. Even if I was James Bond I would fumble them all. Not some of them, not most of them, all of them. But not all fumbles are made equal so here are all the Bond Girls ranked based on just how hard I would fumble.
75. Bibi Dahl
Bibi Dahl is a teenager so I wouldn’t even attempt anything. I’m not Drake.
74. Zora
Zora and Vida are introduced fighting to the death for the affections of a man. Naturally Bond ends up with both of them. I of course would end up with none of them but I do have a better chance with them than any other Bond Girl. They live in a camp in the woods so I can amaze them with my city-boy hipster knowledge of retro gaming.
73. Vida
Vida is the girl that Zora is fighting so everything I said about Zora applies here as well. My one true shot is by letting them play Kirby 64 on my Switch while I explain the lore. That gives me a 0.01% chance to not fumble which is 0.01% higher than my odds to not fumble any of the other Bond Girls.
72. Nancy
Nancy is one of Blofeld’s Angels of Death, twelve women who think they’re part of clinical allergy research but are actually being brainwashed by Blofeld to release bio-weapons across the world. Nancy is pretty nondescript. We never learn that much about her and the only thing of substance she does in the film is seduce Bond minutes after he’s already slept with another one of the women. The reason she’s ranked so low is because of the very little things we do know about her. For one, she seduces Bond because being at a research institute of all women means she’s very horny so as long as I can be the only man there I have a shot provided my presence doesn’t make her become a lesbian which I will admit has happened once already so I don’t rule it out. The other thing is that she’s there to cure a potato allergy so she must absolutely love potatoes and my mom makes tons of potatoes so she can come over for dinner. She’ll immediately leave after meeting my family but it’s still the farthest I’d ever get with any of Bond Girl.
71. Ruby Bartlett
Ruby is the other of the Angels of Death that Bond sleeps with and much of what I said about Nancy applies to her as well. I have a higher chance of fumbling her however since she resembles a librarian and I have a thing for hot librarians. What can I say I like to be shushed.
70. Ling
I don’t know much about Ling other than she’s some kind of agent who helped Bond fake his death after sleeping with him. If she’s an agent she’s clearly a capable woman who would have no trouble disposing of me. But she also lets Bond get away with making comments about how Chinese women taste different than other women so who knows what else she’d put up with.
69. Caroline
Caroline is an MI6 psychological and psychiatric evaluator which means I’m either going to become the basis of years worth of research or a chance for her to fix me. It’s 50/50 honestly.
68. Marie
Marie is a henchwoman to Blofeld who has information that Bond needs. He rips off her bikini top and chokes her with it until she talks. You’d have to choke me with a bikini top to get me to work up the nerve to talk to a hot French woman in a bikini and even if I did, nothing of value would come out of my mouth. Luckily I’m Canadian so this beautiful French lady and I already have one thing in common that may help my odds. We hate Quebec.
67. Felicca
I approach her,
“Hi Felicca”
She gives me a steely stare
”Okay, bye Felicca”
66. Rosie Carver
Rosie Carver is a bit of a ditz. She’s not very good at her job as an agent and generally just never really knows what’s going on or what to do. This would give me a slight advantage as I too never know what’s going on or what to do. I imagine her quirky, ditzy demeanor would make her somewhat easy to talk to, although since I am incapable of talking to attractive women it would still be difficult and I eventually would blow it. She probably wouldn’t even realize my fumbles the first few times which is good but it’s only a matter of time before I say or do something that even she understands means I am not gonna be a guy she goes home with.
65. Countess Lisl von Schlaf
My tombstone would read, “Matt Fresh, Eaten Alive by a Cougar”
64. Manuela
Manuela is a Brazillian agent who helps James Bond on his mission in Moonraker by helping him obtain vital intel on villain Hugo Drax and then helping him unwind in his hotel room. He successfully seduced her by asking what there is to do for five hours in Rio if you don’t samba. Now my chances with her are extraordinarily slim since despite them being my holy grail, Latinas don’t seem to go for my ghastly white complexion, and there’s only one thing my tongue is worse at than rolling Rs. However, I also don’t samba so it seems she’s already willing to help out a fellow like me. Perhaps I too could bed Manuela if I simply ask her what there is to do for three minutes in Rio if you don’t Samba.
63. Aki
Aki is a Japanese intelligence officer and is one of the more capable Bond Girls in the whole series, saving Bond multiple times. She even helps turn him into a Japanese man. Yes, you read that right, there’s a Bond movie where he disguises himself as a Japanese man, the 60s were a wild time. I doubt Aki would do any of that for a man as unremarkable as me but never discount what a woman who’s willing to give her man the Mr. Yunioshi makeover will deal with. Perhaps I have a shot.
62. Magda
Magda would hit me so hard that I would only remember as much of our encounter as anyone remembers about the movie Octopussy. So not much.
61. Saida
Saida is a belly dancer which automatically means she’s too hot for a schlub like me. My cousin had a belly dancer at her wedding and when she approached my table I turned a shade of red that isn’t even in most paint swatches. Imagine what would happen to me if I tried talking to one. However, Saida tries to seduce Bond almost immediately upon meeting him even though he’s a friend of her recently murdered lover 002 so perhaps she’s just horny enough to not mind all of my many deficiencies. Then again if there’s anyone that’s unappealing enough to turn off a sex-happy belly dancer it’s me.
60. Chew Mee
“Chew Me, well don’t mind if I do, oh what’s that, you’re calling the cops, okay I’m leaving.”
59. Natalya Simonova
I know some of you are thinking that I ranked Natalya fairly low solely as some kind of deranged retribution for the annoyance of escorting her around in the Goldeneye video game. But that’s only partly true. Natalya is just a normal woman. She’s not an agent, not a henchwoman, not a high-stakes poker player, not a rich and high-ranking member of society. She’s just a regular person who goes to work, chats with her friends, and lives an average life. Until of course, she ends up in the middle of a Bond movie and becomes a Bond Girl and the bane of every N64 gamer’s existence this side of Navi but I digress. She is still a smart, attractive, independent woman so I, of course, have no chance but her comparative normalness to the other Bond Girls means I have a chance at least at not fumbling her as hard as the others. Plus she was friendly to and put up with Boris before he was revealed as a traitor and I only yell that I am invincible about half as much.
58. Thumper
Oh no Thumper, please don’t choke me with your thighs. /s
57. Bambi
Oh no Bambi, please don’t choke me with your thighs. /s
56. Kissy Suzuki
Kissy marries a yellow-faced Bond in a fake ceremony to allow him to remain undercover as a Japanese fisherman. She’s a pretty terrible character all things considered in that she doesn’t get very many lines and doesn’t really do anything other than run around in a bikini for no reason. As such we don’t really know much about her as a person, certainly not enough for me to tell how hard I’d fumble but she’s cute and looks good in a bikini so my odds of success are poor based on that alone. Could I get a fake marriage with her? Maybe, I don’t know enough about her to definitively say I couldn’t. At least that’s what I’ve deluded myself into thinking. I’m so lonely.
55. Linda
Linda is a woman frustrated with the pool of men available to her. When we see her in the movie, she’s on her yacht complaining on the phone that the only men she finds are “playboys and tennis pros” and that she wants to find a “real man”. Well Linda I may not be a real man but I’m certainly no playboy or tennis pro.
54. Lupe Lamora
Lupe is the girlfriend of drug lord Franz Sanchez. Turns out that drug lords do not make good boyfriends because Sanchez frequently abuses her and when she steps out on him he has that man killed. She is so starved for a decent man in her life that she declares her love for James Bond despite barely knowing him and only sleeping together once. Seeing as how she is so desperate for a decent guy who will treat her well, I figure I have a better shot at her than I do most Bond Girls. Unfortunately, as I mentioned before, Latinas are to me as Moby Dick is to Captain Ahab and so even if her desperation drove her into my arms, the pressure of finally snagging my white whale would lead me to self-implode.
53. Miss Taro
Miss Taro is an informant for Dr. No who sleeps with Bond to keep him occupied long enough for an assassin to arrive. Now I’m not saying that I would put my life in danger by pretending to be a spy who needs to be preoccupied long enough for an assassin to arrive but I’m also not saying that I wouldn’t do that. However, I am me and therefore the ruse would be given up quite quickly and I would be shot.
52. Paula Caplan
Agent Paula Caplan commits suicide by cyanide capsule rather than divulging information under torture and she’d do the same rather than talk to me.
51. Dr. Molly Warmflash
Dr. Warmflash is the MI6 physician and I’ve seen enough romcoms to know how you charm and seduce a physician. You go for frequent checkups and during those checkups, you flirt with them until eventually, you wear them down enough for them to be okay with breaking the code of ethics. It’s a classic play. Having said that, I’m not charming enough to simply make pointless doctor’s appointments repeatedly which means I will have to actually injure myself each time so I have a legitimate reason to be there. I will be in so much pain that I won’t be charming or attractive, I’ll just be a big blubbering baby and the only way she’ll go out with me is out of pity.
