THE ARCTIC – Shortly after Take Two Interactive CEO Strauss Zelnick announced that Grand Theft Auto VI is slated for a fall 2025 release window, the glaciological community announced grim news of their own. The West Antarctica Thwaites Glacier is rapidly experiencing “vigorous ice melt.” Over time, it could raise global sea levels over two feet. This would be catastrophic for coastal communities like those in Florida, the inspiration for the setting of the next GTA.
This didn’t stop Rockstar Games’ parent company from taking their time to measure the next installment’s release window. In a recent earnings call, the company saw fit to acknowledge these concerning climate developments, alongside Grand Theft Auto VI’s development.
“Even the wealthiest of our shareholders feel that quiet, intangible dread on the inside,” Opined a Take Two spokesperson. “The lingering fear that the light at the end of the tunnel could be a speeding train. Or that time itself might be pulling us further down the abyssal depths of the tide, the oceans plunging us deeper in our own collective hubris. But doesn’t that just make the need for AAA open world distractions all the more prescient?”
Take Two’s PR went on to confirm that their PC port of the next Grand Theft Auto game “may or may not” be out before 2050, the point in time when coastlines across the Sunshine State could face unprecedented flooding. Despite this bleak reality, they still assured fans that the scale of their new Vice City map is big enough to “make up for miles of lost shoreline. Even if we’ll have less Florida, you’ll still have more Leonida on your RTX!”
Nevertheless, last week’s earnings call inevitably sparked fervent speculation from YouTube’s rumor mill. Videos with titles like “GTA 6 – DYING PLANET MECHANICS CONFIRMED?” from channels with names like Mr. GTA SEO. “Will Jason and Lucia run from the fuzz and floods?” Asked the vlogger. “Will every car you drive contribute to the carbon footprint contaminating our air? Will this game be so realistic that the map will realistically shrink over time?”
Maybe not, but Strauss Zelnick ended the earnings call, downplaying the looming threat of the “doomsday glacier” while definitively confirming that Grand Theft Auto 6 “and 7” will both be out “before the sun explodes.”
When asked for comment about his state’s sea level rise, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis reportedly asked “what rise?” before attempting to sue the entire pressroom.
