SINAI PENINSULA, EGYPT — Battlefield player Brendan Payne has reportedly switched his class from Assault to Scout in a bid to turn the match around, becoming the 27th player on his team to do so according to witnesses.
“My dumbass squadmates never protect me when I’m trying to destroy tanks, so I figured I’d switch things up,” explained Payne as he joined 26 other snipers on the 32-player losing team. “The problem is we don’t have enough long-range coverage, otherwise I would be leading the team in flag captures and vehicles destroyed. I’m getting smoked by infantry because nobody is looking out for me, so I guess I have to deal with that now. I’m really handy with the Lebel Model 1886, though, so this might be just what we need.”
Payne’s teammates include Charlie Squad and their leader, Bryan Windsor, who are the last remaining players on the British side equipped with automatic rifles, anti-tank weapons, ammunition, and healing items.
“We’ve lost everything. Nelson Ridge, the outskirts, Mazar Station, even that flag all the way out in the fucking desert,” said Windsor as a flametrooper elite class reduced him to ash. “Everything is gone, including the town itself now, because one-by-one everyone’s deciding to pitch a tent on that big ass rock arch over the canyon to snipe.”
“I’ve spent the last 8 minutes staring at the redeploy screen because I can’t move more than an inch without a tank or Hellriegel doming me,” Windsor added. “All of these Scouts think they’re heroes and they’ve got the worst KDs I’ve ever seen. Bullets whizz by and hit nothing but sand. I’m choking on the dust and incompetence.”
Opposing player Dominic Kelly had a markedly different take on the British team’s composition, noting that it reminded him of the days of Battlefield 2 stat padding.
“The way their scope glints light up on that ridge and across the dunes like rows of Christmas lights is endlessly funny to me,” said Kelly, who has spent the match flying the Ilya-Muromets heavy bomber equipped with high explosive cluster bombs. “All I’m doing now is flying overhead and deleting 9 or 10 of them at a time with the press of a button. In the old days you had to coordinate with some people in an empty Karkand server to get easy kills like this. They’re just serving themselves up here.”
Witnesses reported last seeing Payne using a Trench Periscope to observe the opposing team’s heavy bomber as it lined itself up for another pass.
