Game publishers’ initial attempt at flooding the industry with in-game purchases that drain your bank account was just the first part of a long-term game to ruin your life, multiple sources confirmed.
“It was obvious everyone was gonna hate them, but we knew we just had to weather the initial storm,” said Bobby Kotick, former C.E.O. and rightful heir to Satan’s throne. “We saw how much money the film industry rakes in from trash remakes that sad people feel obligated to see out of nostalgia, so why couldn’t we do the same with loot boxes? Our ultimate goal is to make fashionable the idea of being dirt poor and depressed like the street vermin you are, but still buying loot boxes. Oh, and make games too, I guess.”
Greg McCoy, a gamer who was 12 during the age of omnipresent loot boxes, resists his temptations.
“Now that I have a job, what harm would it do to bring loot boxes back?” said McCoy, while panic-opening the Fortnite store to stave off the shakes. “I fell in love with gaming when all those flashing lights flared up onto the screen. I don’t even remember what game it was, but it was so entrancing. I even considered going to college for game design to one day be like my favorite blood-sucking publisher idols, but decided against it when I realized most of game design is designing the game. Ew.”
Casino owner Dakota Benally was impressed by the publishers’ depravity.
“We scam whites because they ruined our civilization and stole our land. These guys just do it because they’re… bored? Truly diabolical,” said Benally. “Be careful, gamers. If a publisher tells you to hand over your credit card info for in-game glass beads, consider not doing it.”
At press time, Kotick was seen posting “OMG loot boxes were so lit back in the day, right guys??” on his burner Twitter account GamerNostalgia.
