MILWAUKEE — A throng of children were instantly crestfallen Easter morning when they swarmed their baskets in hopes of Cadbury chocolate treats and instead got wild Exeggcutes, stunned family friends confirmed.
“So, none of them are filled with chocolate? And they’re just going to glare at me menacingly until I send them into battle? This is worse than church!” wailed 6 year old Jamila Cosgrove, while fighting back tears from the rancid smell emitting from the cracked open one.
“This is worse than the year where we all got a chocolate Easter Bubsy instead of bunnies! Hollow ones at that! Where are the Robins eggs? Where are the Peeps? Where are the Cadburys??! What kind of just and true Easter bunny would wish this hell upon us? Is all religion a sham?” Cosgrove continued, while ignoring the ever increasing battle music the Eggs seemed to carry with them.
The children’s parents were embarrassed of their mistake, but adamant in their assertion that the wild Pokemon made adequate Easter presents.
“I understand that they may be rather on the upset side now, but once Christmas comes and there’s a few Leaf Stones in their stocking, those psychic henfruit’ll evolve into Exeggutor. After that, they’re going to be BEGGING to build a treehouse at the top of that goofy looking sucker, just you wait and see.” said the elder Cosgrove, while consulting an upside-down Pokedex after a few too many morning mimosas.
“And, if all else fails and they get bored of them, we’ll flush those weird lil guys down the toilet – Oh, crap, one of the egg’s got our three-year-old hypnotized into a trance, be right back…”
Foremost Pallet Town science advocate, Professor Oak, decried the fairly common practice of gifting ill-equipped children pet Exeggcutes during the Easter holidays.
“Every Easter, it’s the same thing. Eager parents looking for a quick and easy basket-stuffer rummage through the Pokemon Center half-off bin and buy their kids cheap Bunnelbys, Mareeps, and yes, even the odd Exeggcute in order to keep in the spirit of the holiday. It’s a grim sight whenever these Pokemon evolve and begin to cause chaos around Labor Day, and that’s when the threats of toilet flushing come out from these ill-prepared parents,” said Oak, as he tapped his clipboard that simply said “POKEMON” on it.
“I solemnly vow to end this practice by the release of Pokemon Legends Z-A in 2025, or else my first name isn’t Samuel…Oh, my first name is Samuel. Did you not know my first name was Samuel? It’s Samuel. Look it up!”
At press time, Mr. Cosgrove decided to nip any potential trouble in the bud and served up one of the weirdest, most telepathic omelets anyone’s ever eaten.
