LOS ANGELES – After Cities: Skylines 2 announced the release of its first paid DLC expansion, Ben Shapiro assured unhappy players that they can always get rid of their new beachfront properties if water starts rising on the coast.
“This is something I have been asked about numerous times in the past and I will continue to maintain a firm stance on,” stated a flustered Shapiro, sipping on a foul-smelling coffee-like beverage. “I own multiple condos and houses across the coasts of California and New York, and my plan has always been to get the heck outta dodge as soon as things start to go south. The second I feel water reach my knees, I am leaving everything and everyone behind and listing the property on Zillow.”
“Why wouldn’t players simply get rid of their houses if this so-called global warming were to miraculously cause the oceans to rise?” Shapiro continued. “Do you honestly think players are so dumb that they would simply leave their computers running overnight as the Indian Ocean swallowed up their properties? No! They will simply select and delete these locations and start somewhere better than California, somewhere like the great freedom-loving state of Florida.”
Cities: Skylines 2 fan Jared Booker disagreed with Shapiro’s take.
“I paid $10 for like 6 buildings and 4 trees. And what am I supposed to do if they finally include global warming in a future DLC pack? How am I supposed to ask for a refund after I’ve already had this installed for a few years? And it’s not like I can actually pawn the game off on someone else. Nobody wants a house that’s halfway underwater.”
Carrie Roberts, a representative from Paradox Order, was surprised to find the company aligned with Shapiro.
“He’s right,” Roberts said. “I hate to say it, but everyone should definitely buy this DLC. There’s nothing to worry about going forward. In the game, of course. In reality? Coastal cities are definitely going to flood. But that’s as far as I can go here. And for the record, we don’t agree with Ben Shapiro on literally anything else. Anything else. Please don’t put that we agree with Ben Shapiro.”
At press time, Shapiro was seen ranting about how wokeness is not only ruining video games but geography as well.
