PHILADELPHIA – The release of Dungeons & Dragons’ first collaborative set with LEGO got off to a rocky start this afternoon after a local man consulting the instruction booklet for his new purchase was immediately shamed by his fellow players for metagaming, sources report.
“We’re all gathered around the table, ready to get to building like we do every week,” said Chris Daughtler, the resident tank of his local D&D group. “It’s a little different every session. But no matter what, there’s always this expectation of respect, you know? When Miles took out that instruction booklet and started reading up on things like which pieces went where and in what order, you could feel the vibe instantly change. With that simple action, he broke the spell of collaborative fiction.”
“Look, we all get a little carried away with our cheat sheets and Monster Manuals sometimes,” continued Daughtler, who just last week tried to invent gunpowder with his 6 Intelligence Paladin. “Heck, I could probably ramble off a Beholder’s stats from memory, without even looking at the stat block tattooed on my inner thigh. I’ve read every book top to bottom. That doesn’t make me a filthy metagamer, it just makes me a player who loves the game. But Miles cracked open those instructions in full view of the group — what was he thinking?”
Justine Schwank, the group’s forever DM who had been looking forward to the release of the fan-inspired set, “Dungeons & Dragons: Red Dragon’s Tale”, was equally quick to condemn her friend’s actions.
“Pretending you don’t have all the information is half the fun,” said Schwank, whose previous roleplaying group fell apart after exactly one player got a job. “For example, the ribbed orange thing that comes in the box. You and I both know that’s the patented #630 LEGO Brick Separator. But our characters don’t know that. Festivald the Lusty Bard doesn’t know that. What does he think? Is it an improvised weapon? A tool for pleasure? What does it do? Once you start thinking like that, the line between you and your character becomes deliciously blurred.”
The player in question, Miles Zoller-Sietz, pushed back against accusations of metagaming, even going so far as to claim “there was no session scheduled today” and “why are you all here”.
“This is absurd,” said Zoller-Sietz, who joined Schwank’s TTRPG group as a favor. “D&D is already stressful enough. The most popular representation is the kids from Stranger Things. I have to apologize to my God every night for the accents attempted by our DM. LEGOs are my only safe haven. Am I using outside information my character wouldn’t have access to? Yes. Am I metagaming? Sure. Will I critically hit anyone who tries to take this from me? Who don’t you find out, hotshot? Any takers?”
At press time, the players had reportedly abandoned the new set entirely in favor of a homebrew consisting of two gray baseplates, half a Bionicle, and the spare pieces from “LEGO Adventurers Orient Expedition: Yeti’s Hideout”.
