DARK BRAMBLE – An Anglerfish native to Dark Bramble was reportedly considering next steps after it was seen idly floating through the region with its prey—an entire spaceship of comparable size—stuffed inside its mouth, sources say.
“I honestly never thought I’d get this far,” said the Anglerfish, whose responses were recorded using a modified translation tool. “You never think it’ll happen to you, that you’ll be the one who catches the Big Fish. My ancestors told of a Great Fish from ages ago, impossible to swallow, but the Big Fish of my day are a rare treat. Here I am floating in my territory, the perfect darkness reminding me I’ll never see my mother’s face, when I sense what must be a large prey animal scooching past me at the speed of nothing. My first thought is, hey, are you stupid? I’m RIGHT here. It’s practically kissing my lure. After that, it’s as simple as opening my mouth, roaring like I just took a probe to the nose, and swallowing it whole.”
“Oh yes,” the Anglerfish continued, mouth still full of ‘prey’. “The Big Fish is all mine now. You know how most predators rip their meal apart and digest it in small, nutritious pieces? Not me. I swallow whole. I’m like a snake, if a snake was entirely unable to digest its prey. I’m savoring it. Do you have snakes on your Timber Hearth, Small Fish?”
Upon being properly informed as to the nature of its catch, the Anglerfish appeared open to the idea that the “Big Fish” currently in its mouth was, in fact, a state-of-the-art Hearthian spaceship.
“Yeah, that actually makes a lot of sense,” said the Angler. “That’s given me a lot to think about.”
The incident’s sole eyewitness, renowned Hearthian astronaut Feldspar, discovered marooned on Dark Bramble, claimed they watched the tragedy occur from their camp, set up inside a massive Anglerfish skeleton.
“That hatchling never was very bright. If you told me a week ago they’d end up trapped inside an Anglerfish body with no hope of rescue, I’d have said, well, that makes two of us!” Feldspar joked, occasionally stopping to go ham on the harmonica. “It is a real tragedy though, and not only for the kid. I’ve been watching that Angler who ate ‘em for a little while now. Let me tell you, it’s totally lost. Ten minutes ago I saw it trying to cough that ship up, trying over and over. No dice. Then it tried swallowing, really digesting the thing. Nope. Too big. Too metal. Almost makes you feel sorry for the thing. It’s blind. It didn’t know what it was in for. Now it just floats motionless all day… more than usual, I mean. It doesn’t know what to do. If you told me a week ago that a fish could have an existential crisis and spend its days reflecting on its past choices in lonely solitude, I’d have said, well— me too, buddy. Me too.”
While swift efforts were made to retrieve the spacecraft from the now-catatonic predator, a probe shot into the mouth of the beast managed to make contact with the hatchling pilot inside, who was previously thought lost.
“I’M NOT DEAD, OH GOD, THANK GOD, I’M ALIVE. I’M ALIVE!” said the unidentified pilot, who appeared trapped within their ship. “OKAY, YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO ME. The sun is going to EXPLODE. TODAY. Like it always has, but I HAVE THE COORDINATES NOW. I can go to the Eye of the Universe, just like the Nomai wanted to. Their Vessel is in here, in Dark Bramble, and I have the Advanced Warp Core that powered the Ash Twin Project, so I can— oh, oh God, OH GOD NO, I HAVE THE CORE. THIS IS IT. THIS IS THE LAST LOOP. I’M GOING TO ACTUALLY DIE THIS TIME. I’M GOING TO DIE WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE YOU HAVE TO GET ME OUT OF THIS DAMN FISH—”
At press time, Feldspar promised to stay in communication with the mentally unstable pilot as efforts proceeded to remove their ship from the mouth of the Anglerfish, with Hearthian authorities giving the trapped pilot an estimate of a little over 22 minutes until freedom.
