WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Biden shocked the world at the State of the Union address tonight by revealing the United States would be entering another war immediately following the conclusion of his speech.
“And one more thing… I’m proud to announce that we’ll be declaring war, starting later tonight,” revealed Biden to rapturous applause. “The American people have been waiting for a new war, man. I can’t even remember the last time we sent people to die – was it a year or two? If you can hear my voice right now, you will be on the battlefield in no time,” continued the President, throwing darts at a board of the world map. “Is that France? France, right? OK everyone here is headed to war in France. Bit of a remaster, but I think people will like it.”
The reveal has ruffled the feathers of Biden’s enemies, including a heated response from right wing cable news personality Bill Walters.
“I love seeing flesh burn as much as the next guy – so I want to thank the President for working in a bipartisan way to get that done – but this is just an unsustainable way of announcing it,” explained Walters. “We need a consistent, steady stream of new wars, not just random announcements. I mean, now we don’t have the time to gather working class people to send off to their death without a lengthy hype cycle. Where’s the pre-order contracts with Raytheon and Lockheed Martin? How are we going to build up the bad guys? I’ll give Joe one thing though – his speech had one important announcement, which is more than the average State of Play.”
For the citizens of France, who are just now learning hordes of American troops are headed their way, this announcement comes as a shock.
“I haven’t even gotten done playing Persona, and now I have to fight for my country,” complained Jean Blanc, who will be enlisting shortly. “This war just throws a wrench into all my plans. I won’t be able to play a single new game. We didn’t even do anything to America! They’re just trying to fill a schedule because they don’t have any other international conflicts planned.”
While Biden’s speech implied the war was exclusive to the United States and France, those looking to get in on the action can rest assured historically the US is more than happy to spread the conflict to additional countries.
