AUSTIN – Fans and employees of media company Rooster Teeth were saddened to learn today that the internet stalwart has lost a Death Battle to the cold, uncaring capitalist system which values profit above all else.
“They put up a great fight,” recalled Ben Black, who’s watched nearly everything the company released. “But when they announced ‘Red vs. Blue vs. The Current State of The Media Industry’ I knew it was over.”
The knockout of Rooster Teeth may come as a shock to the greater internet, but for Seth Siegel, an avid fan of ‘DEATH BATTLE!’, it comes as no surprise.
“This decision was expected from the moment this match-up was even teased by David Zaslav,” explained Siegel, who has been involved with the powerleveling community for years. “Fans of the site can tell you that they had hundreds of talented workers at their arsenal, but the constant need for revenue growth every quarter has a kill count in the billions. Not to mention the experience gap, with the team only having 20 years of experience versus the hundreds of years of living to serve human greed,” the powerscaler recounted. “Personally, I would have put the entirety of Warner Bros. Discovery up against capitalism instead – though given their recent track record, that battle could still end up happening.”
The only official word on the matter has come in the form of a victory speech by David Zaslav, CEO of Warner Bros. Discovery.
“What happened to Rooster Teeth was but a small percentage of the free market’s true power!,” proclaimed Zaslav, laughing maniacally as lightning struck. “People are so attached to shows like ‘RWBY’ they forget about how powerful the one true god above all others, The Profit, can be. He can take any art and reduce it to nothing but a disappointing capital return in a second. Until these heretic ‘content creators’ give up on art and begin to worship at the altar of profit, they’ll never stand a chance.”
As of press time, Zaslav was seen writing a victory speech for ending the decades-long ‘Red vs. Blue’ conflict.
