LOS ANGELES, CA — Disney executives were reportedly in a state of “panic and disarray” yesterday evening when leaked data emerged on social media detailing a derelict server of the once-popular, now-defunct Massively Multiplayer Online Game Club Penguin which is now being used almost exclusively for black market arms deals.
“We shut down the official Club Penguin in 2017, but it has lived on in black market reproductions. And now you have Lvl 15 drug lords and lvl 100 mafia bosses trying to go on there to buy weapons. This is not what Disney stands for and it’s taking time away from our real work” said Disney representative Barbara Foreman. “I was supposed to be suing a nursery schools that show our films without consent this week but now that’s pushed back.”
It has been speculated by some that the server in question may have begun on a flash drive taken from the Brixton branch of Disney Interactive, which went defunct in 2015.
“It’s quite bad,” said Ian Lowridge-Hughes, formerly of the Brixton branch, “These malicious users seem to have developed a code. They say ‘Puffle’ when they mean gun. So like, you could order a ‘pink semi-automatic Puffle’ and ask it to be ‘delivered to your igloo.’ That means ‘send a bunch of AR-15s to my militia compound.’ Or they say: ‘let’s go sledding.’ And that means, ‘I want enough C4 to level a whole city block.’ This is not what Puffles and sledding were meant to be used for. Still, I think it could be worse. Petpet Park is being used to sell organs.”
But perhaps no one has taken the news harder than the Arctic MMO’s original fanbase, players such as Oregon’s Nina Osborne, one of the few who went on the server with good intentions.
“My friend Stacy sent me a link because she knows how much that site used to mean to me. I was just there for the nostalgia,” said Osborne. “Club Penguin was my favorite thing as a kid. I just wanted the magic back. The night club, the cool outfits, the pizza shop… now the night club is where child soldiers go to plan out how to attack a town’s power grid. This isn’t what Club Penguin was supposed to be about. Like most MMOs, it was about giving dangerous adults unfettered access to children.”
At press time, the derelict server had caught the attention of United Nations officials, as sources confirmed that an “ill-tempered lime-green penguin” named “NotKimJongUn” had attempted to buy an “enriched yellow-cake Puffle.” More on this story as it develops.
