So you wanna live in Hyrule. You can find lots of articles online telling you how to fight scary monsters and cook tasty dishes, but nobody ever wants to talk about what’s really important: Tedious financial data. If that’s what you want, you’ve come to the right place.
10. Goron City
This so-called “city” is barely even a town, is basically inside a volcano, and you can hardly walk down the street without bursting into flames. What’s the big draw here? The delicious and trendy food! What’s the food? Rocks.
Hold on. I need to call my dentist real quick… Hi, Dr. Rossi? … Can I cancel my upcoming appointment and, if possible, all future appointments? … No, I’m not switching to a new dentist. I’m moving to a town where all the food is rocks… Exactly, no more teeth. Thanks! Bye!
Goron City is at the bottom of this list because I don’t even care what it costs to live there. I’m not moving!
N/A rupees per month.
9. Korok Forest
It’s the woods.
0 rupees per month.
8. Lurelin Village
Lurelin Village has a problem with pirates. And I’m not talking about the kind who illegally downloads movies. I’m talking about real pirates. The scary kind. The sexy kind.
But I’ll be damned if it isn’t affordable. If you get the pirates out of town and help the Lurelians (Lurelinians?) rebuild, you’ll find that a salt spa (the equivalent of which costs up to 50 rupees in other villages) costs only five grains of salt. You heard me right. Five. Grains. Of salt. You can’t get a deal like that anywhere else, folks.
1 salt shaker per lifetime.
7. Tarrey Town
This simple neighborhood of prefab homes makes me think of the 1950s. It’s like a Levittown without the racial segregation. In fact, all races live in harmony in Tarrey Town, and the only people excluded are the vast majority of us whose names don’t end in “-son.” I don’t know if that’s a violation of the Fair Housing Act, but it’s definitely a dubious business model.
A house in Tarrey Town costs a modest 1,500 rupees. For reference, an apple costs 12 rupees. I didn’t do the math to figure out what number of apples cost the same as an entire house in Tarrey Town, but I’m sure that number is absurd, and if I put it here you would find it hilarious.
300 rupees per month.
6. Kakariko Village
Kakariko is just an ordinary village with farms, birds, and a flute constantly being played in the background. Sure, it rains every goddamn day, but it’s home.
Enjoy the low prices while they last. You see that highly-educated Zonai Survey Team? You see those tourists hungering for a peek at the Ring Ruins? These are the warning signs of gentrification. It won’t be long before there’s a line around the block for overpriced hearty truffles and you overhear some hipster Hylians bragging about how many times they’ve been to Kakariko Village and how “raining all the time is, like, its big thing.”
430 rupees per month… for now.
5. Rito Village
I’ve been trying to keep this article professional but I’m gonna level with you. I just don’t like these bird guys. Everyone is so charmed by their pretty music and their la-di-da spiral staircase city. Well I don’t wanna live in a six-story walk-up! Also, is anyone else bothered that the Swallow’s Roost offers a “Rito-down bed”? Does that mean they’re plucking their own feathers out of their own skin and asking me to sleep in it? That ain’t right. This village… is for the birds!
Hahaha! Get it? It’s inhabited by birds, but also “for the birds” means worthless, so “for the birds” has two meanings here. I’m saying it’s full of bird people but also it sucks. Did the explanation help you to get the joke? Are you laughing yet?
520 rupees per month (but not recommended).
4. Gerudo Town
Real estate value is all about demand. Gerudo Town may be miles into the desert, but it boasts a rare luxury: No men. People come from far and wide for this commodity—even some men, ironically—so the prices here are higher than a Goron chowing down on Marbled Rock Roast.
640 rupees per month.
3. Hateno Village
Hateno Village is the closest thing post-apocalyptic Hyrule has to a bustling metropolis. One of the biggest factors for cost of living is school quality, and this village is home to the best, nay, the ONLY school in Hyrule which covers topics other than how to talk to men.
Remember we said that a house is 1,500 rupees in Tarrey Town? Well, a house costs 3,000 rupees here! And that was in Breath of the Wild, so who knows how much that would be adjusted for inflation!
780 rupees per month.
2. Zora’s Domain
Beautiful, historic architecture, and every inch of it with a waterfront view? This place is like Venice on crack. They had a water problem and somebody cleared it up in, like, a day. Why is it that they always fix the problems in expensive areas first? Why can’t Link do this in Flint, Michigan?
1,430 rupees per month.
1. Lookout Landing
Lookout Landing is less a village and more a research outpost and military base. Though it’s technically free to live as personnel on a military base, the cost of living is the constant, looming threat of death, whether it be tomorrow in battle or 40 years from now due to long-term health conditions contracted while drinking contaminated water. Ever heard of Camp Lejeune? Well I have. Rest in peace, Dad.
If you or a loved one lived or worked at Lookout Landing, you may be eligible for compensation.
