With the way culture has changed over the years, certain movies have become subject to intense scrutiny over their content. There are a lot of movies that people claim you couldn’t make today because of offensive content. I don’t think that’s true. You couldn’t make them today because, in this day and age, Warner Bros would scrap them for tax write-offs.
This new culture of David Zaslav destroying films to commit insurance fraud means we would lose out on some seminal works. These are the Top 10 movies you couldn’t make today because they’d be used by Warner Bros for tax write-offs.
Caddyshack
A funny hang-out movie about a bunch of goofs on a golf course that barely has a plot: the only way Warner Bros. would even greenlight this movie today is if someone held David Zaslav’s family hostage and maybe not even then. Watching the movie it’s clear that Bill Murray and his feud with the gopher is an all-time bit of comedy but Zaslav doesn’t watch movies so it doesn’t matter. He’d read the synopsis, look at the cast, and the budget, and determine that a tax write-off is worth more than laughter and joy.
Ocean’s Eleven
A bunch of cool guys planning a heist against an extremely unlikeable millionaire business owner. Why would David Zaslav release this and give people ideas? He wouldn’t.
Blazing Saddles
Blazing Saddles could never be made today. A parody of classic western films that focuses on a black man who becomes sheriff of a town full of racist white folks just wouldn’t cut it in this day and age. Not because the woke mind virus would cause people to recoil in terror at the jokes and not because there wouldn’t be a single republican viewer who would be able to use either of their brain cells to understand the movie is making fun of them. The reason it wouldn’t cut it in this day and age is that in this day and age, David Zaslav is in charge of Warner Bros and he would scrap it for tax write-offs. The irony of doing that to Mel Brooks would be lost on Zaslav since he doesn’t watch movies.
Goodfellas
The thing about this is that would be a double-edged sword. On one hand, we would lose an absolute masterpiece but on the other, as soon as Zaslav canceled this Martin Scorses would have him whacked.
Gremlins
The only reason David Zaslav would even greenlit this is because he’d think it’s a Furbie movie. Since David Zaslav has no awareness of culture past whatever is happening in the 90-Day Fiance universe, he would think that a Furbie movie could replicate the success of Barbie. As soon as he’s informed that it’s not a Furbie movie, it would be immediately put on the tax write-off list.
The Mask
The Mask loves Looney Tunes. Stanley Ipkiss is to Tex Avery cartoons what an overweight basement dweller is to Waifus. Jim Carrey is a living breathing cartoon character. That’s not CGI, his face just did that when he saw Cameron Diaz for the first time. David Zaslav hates the Looney Tunes. He doesn’t think they can make money because he doesn’t understand joy and he’s also very bad at his job. David Zaslav is to movies what Jim Carrey is to Tommy Lee Jones. Under no circumstance would David Zaslav let a movie whose entire premise is a man becoming a real-life Looney Tune be released. He would love nothing more than to deprive the world of joy by scraping this movie for a write-off.
Catwoman
A Batman spin-off starring a woman of color would never happen with Zaslav in charge.
Risky Business
Risky Business is much more than just the movie that gave rise to Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, Lordship of Movies. It’s a great movie about a yuppie kid who learns to live a little by shacking up with a prostitute and becoming a pimp while his parents are away for a few days. Who among us hasn’t done that when left alone for a bit? I’ll tell you who, David Zaslav. No way would he release a movie about a kid who learns to eschew all the stuffy rich person values that taught David Zaslav the value of tax fraud.
Zodiac
A movie about journalists investigating a famous serial killer who was never found. Zaslav would never go for it. As a man who hates movies and loves reality television, the prospect of a film that is never properly resolved would be so inexplicable to him that he might shortcircuit. This is also a movie about hard-working people doing their jobs. Journalists doing their job. Why would David Zaslav release a movie that’s about the people his friends layoff all the time? He wouldn’t, he’d scrap it for tax breaks and go on vacation while another online publication gets shut down.
Space Jam
“It’s not duck season or rabbits season, it’s tax season.” – David Zaslav
