PITTSBURGH — Attendees at the USAW National Championships bore witness to Shaun Peterson’s historic lift today. For the first time in the organization’s history, victory was achieved by none other than a gamer, sources have confirmed.
“Wait, that guy wasn’t a professional bodybuilder?” asked James Gains, a spectator at the event. “I’d never have guessed he had such an inactive hobby. I guess you really can outlift an Olympic athlete if you put in the constant effort to achieve your dreams. I’d love to try doing whatever workout routine he’s been on.”
Following this monumental feat, Peterson joined several reporters on a Discord call to discuss his self-guided training regimen.
“For years I would actively avoid the gym. I would seal myself up in my room for days at a time. I would only use my Wii Balance Board as a tray for my snacks. But last week, I accidentally shut down my desktop, and caught my reflection in the monitor,” Peterson said. “I immediately realized that this wasn’t the life I wanted. So I made a commitment: I would blend myself a single protein shake with years-old protein powder. All of a sudden, my arms began to swell rapidly, bursting through my shirt.”
Peterson said he had no idea so much mass could exist on his arms, and was having a hard time adjusting. He continued to tell reporters about the rest of the regimen that lead him to victory at the competition.
“My transformation still had a long way to go — 15 minutes longer, to be exact. I put my shoes on and went for a walk around the neighborhood. The next time I saw my reflection, I gazed upon the image I always imagined I looked like. That’s when I knew I had to compete in weightlifting at a national level.”
Peterson’s doctor, Helen Wong, also had the opportunity to express her concerns over Peterson’s lifestyle to reporters.
“It’s an improvement, no doubt,” Wong explained, “but I’m worried there must have been some radioactive substance in this powder. I believe Shaun has a very short time remaining and his family and friends should begin to make plans. Regardless, I hope he keeps up with weightlifting.”
As of press time, Peterson was seen throwing away an invitation to the US Olympic Weightlifting team before darting into his garage with roughly a week’s worth of snacks. Reports indicate the sounds of crunching pork rinds and League of Legends can also be heard nearby Peterson’s house.
As of press time sources close to Peterson say he is using his trophy as a controller caddy.
