MIAMI – Ever since the release of the Grand Theft Auto VI trailer, games journalists like myself have been working hard to report on every hidden detail and easter egg we can find. I reached out to some of my loved ones to see how they feel about my complete and utter neglect of them for a 90 second video game trailer.
“You were supposed to be home for Christmas,” said my brother, Andrew. “Mom left the casserole in the oven just in case you showed up. I knew you wouldn’t. She went to bed crying. You can’t just neglect your family like this, we’ve done so much for you. You need to grow up and start taking responsibility for your actions. Why did you call me? Call Mom. And please stop sending me screenshots of Lucia with the red sweaty face emoji. I’m married bro.”
My girlfriend, Kendall, was less resentful and more just straight up worried about me.
“Babe, please come home,” she said, audibly holding back tears. “I haven’t heard from you in two weeks. Where are you? Are you hurt? Should I call the police? I tried going to your apartment the other day but the door was locked and you were screaming along to a Tom Petty song. I thought you hated Tom Petty? What’s going on? Why aren’t you saying anything? Please just talk to me, Ryan. You can’t just shut me out like this. I don’t want us to end this way. Please. I love y–”
Thanks to an incessant spamming of emails that now has me on a NSA watchlist, I managed to get in contact with Rockstar themselves, and ask them how I should handle my most cherished relationships deteriorating around me.
“Now you know how we feel,” said Sam Houser, President of Rockstar Games. “I mean, we’re writing the damn thing. I haven’t seen my kids since 2018. They think I’m dead. I’m kinda annoyed at the gravestone they picked out for me. Anyway, even if I had time to talk to them I couldn’t. I might accidentally let slip something about the game. If Take Two finds out I violated my NDA, I’ll end up in the same hospital prison as that hacker kid. Hey, before you go, can I run some 69ing jokes by you real quick?”
At time of press, I’ve been written out of the family will and my girlfriend has moved on to a Polygon.com writer. But it’s just like Petty said, “Love is a long, long road.”
