I’m a simple man, with simple needs. All I really feel like I need is a roof over my head, food on my table, a fun video game, and a government mandated restriction on outdoor activity.
Removed from the fear and uncertainty surrounding COVID-19, it’s hard not to look back on a time when staying inside all day playing video games was treated as a heroic self-sacrifice with a little fondness.
Do you remember? Waking up and deciding to visit your very own tropical island? Maybe you’ll have a cheeky nip of brandy before booting up the game. What’s that? It’s 11am on a Tuesday? Luckily you don’t have anything to do today, but still, that’s not a good look. Come again? That kind of behavior is broadly socially acceptable now?
That’s right, it’s lockdown. “Self care” no longer means healthy activity, it means doing whatever it takes to get you through the day, even a bit of self medicating and watching an entire series of The Great British Bake Off without moving.
The social distance is hard, though. But how socially distanced were we, really? I was surprised on my birthday by a knock on my door. It was my best penguin friend, Aurora! She was throwing me a surprise birthday party! The squirrel Marshal was there too, what a treat!
They gifted me with clothes I already owned (it’s the thought that counts), but luckily they’d be more than happy to receive those same clothes as a regift on their birthdays.
The days of seeing a weekly live concert with my anthropomorphized animal neighbors and constructing an outdoor movie theater on my idyllic island town are fond memories in retrospect.
So I call on you, President Biden: Give everyone a bunch of money so that we’re comfortable, and make it so that we don’t have to go anywhere for a few months. Outside is a nightmare, almost everything is awful all the time right now. We need this.
Nintendo, please, enough time has passed – I wanna meet my new penguin and squirrel friends all over again.
It’s time to let us get back in touch with our inner useless slob. It’s time for heroism to mean dispassionately watching Paul Hollywood shake hands with an amateur baker. It’s time for a follow up of Animal Crossing, and another lockdown.
