THE HAGUE – Retired treasure hunter Nathan Drake has reportedly quipped his way through a court-mandated sociopath test as part of his trial before the International Criminal Court for accusations of an decade-long spree of forgery, thievery, and mass murder.
Prosecutors allege that Drake’s killings span multiple continents, tally up in the thousands, and that they were all done in the vain pursuit of wealth and fortune.
“If I gotta pawn off an El Dorado sarcophagus or two to cover these legal fees, it is what it is,” Drake remarked on the courthouse steps, “But my lawyer and I have an ironclad case.”
The defendant’s counsel insists that Drake was simply acting in self defense.
The ICC, by contrast, is arguing that no amount of ludonarrative dissonance excuses or justifies his wanton string of violence. Claiming that he put himself in these situations and any supposed ‘self defense’ was brought upon by his own negligence.
In order to underline the lack of remorse for his actions, the court has appointed a psychologist to assess Drake’s amoral, antisocial tendencies. According to Johanna Hanneke, PsyD, her clinical findings were unsurprising.
“Superficially using charisma and charm for his own manipulative gain? Check. Unnecessary risk taking with a clear failure to plan ahead? Check. Unable to consider the families of all the mercenaries he’s slaughtered in cold blood? Check. A clear lack of repentance, eight years after the last treasure hunt with his mentor, Victor Sullivan? Quadruple check.”
Despite the professional scrutiny, Drake remains nonchalant. “So what if I iced around 1,829 or 2,925 people, with some monsters and demons in the mix? You’re gonna let Kissinger off the hook, but make me out to be the Antichrist? You don’t think Indiana Jones would’ve smoked some fools with Eddy Raja’s golden Beretta if he had the chance? Aaron Burr was the Vice President when he shot Hamilton to death. Call it a duel if you want but it’s no different than what I’ve done. Gotta break a couple necks to make an omelet, as the saying goes.”
If convicted, Drake faces up to 30 years to life in prison. Whether or not he’s formally deemed a sociopath ultimately remains to be seen, but the case has gone on to garner global attention.
