I heard that you’re hosting a party for New Years, and I also heard that you specifically didn’t invite me and told everyone I couldn’t be their plus one. That’s fine. I’m not mad at all. I didn’t even want to go to your stupid party. I have so many reasons that I wouldn’t want to go, even if I was invited.
#1 — I Was Actually Invited to Another Party First
I wouldn’t be able to make it to your party anyway, because I got invited to Chad’s party and said I would go. You know Chad, right? The one who works at the record store? Yeah, that one. He’s hosting his own party that’s going to be awesome. I heard everyone will be there.
#2 — Wait, Chad Is Going to Be at Your Party? No, I Meant a Different Chad
Wait, he agreed he’d be at yours? You must be thinking of a different Chad. Or, wait, no, I’m thinking of a different Chad. I have so many friends that sometimes it’s hard to keep track.
#3 — It Is Real, but I’m Not Going to That One either, Actually
It actually is a real party, and I did get invited to it, and I am friends with multiple people named Chad who work at a record store. I don’t appreciate your assumption that I don’t have that many friends. I can’t make it to that party either, actually, and Chad was really sad to hear that. He says I’m always the life of the party and it won’t be the same without me.
#4 — I Promised My Girlfriend That We Could Hang Out
I can’t go anywhere actually, because I told my girlfriend that we could just hang out and not do anything too fancy. What? Yeah, still the same girl. Wait, who told you that we’re not talking? Oh, she did when you invited her to your party? I guess that makes sense.
#5 — If She’s at Your Party Could You Tell Her I Miss Her?
If she shows up can you let her know that I’m thinking of her? I haven’t seen her in a few weeks and she hasn’t answered any of my calls. I mean, I’m not desperate or anything. You should tell her for her sake more than anything. I wouldn’t want her to miss out on this opportunity.
#6 — I Got My License Revoked for Being Too Cool
Even if I did want to go to your party, which I don’t, I can’t. You live in the poor part of town, which is really really far from where I live, and I got my driver’s license revoked for being super super drunk on the highway coming back from a party I went to last week in my very expensive car.
#7 — I Have a Doctor’s Appointment
Actually, now that I look at my very packed calendar, I just realized that I have a doctor’s appointment that starts at the same time as the party. This guy is one of the best doctors in the country so I really don’t want to miss it, and it’s expensive to reschedule. What do you mean the party starts at 9 PM?
#8 — My Extremely High-Paying Job Requires I Wake Up Early
I also see in my calendar that I have to be at my office job at 4 AM the next day, so I should probably go to bed early. If I’m not in my corner office right on time the boss gets upset, so it’s really best that I don’t go out.
#9 — I Celebrate Lunar New Year Now
And I don’t even celebrate New Years anymore. I’ve gotten in touch with the moon lately, and I believe the lunar year is a far better calendar system than whatever we have now.
#10 — I’m Actually Hosting My Own Party and You’re Not Invited
Okay, fine. You got me. I lied. None of that stuff is true. I’m hosting my own party, and I didn’t want to hurt your feelings because you weren’t invited. I invited pretty much everyone else, though. Sam is going to be there. Wait, Sam is going to your party? That’s fine, I didn’t like him that much anyway. Ava is definitely going to be there – what? She’s going too? How many people do you know? Whatever. I don’t even like parties. I hope your new year sucks.
