Hollywood — Every night at the dark corner of the famous Rainbow Bar & Grill sits a shadow of a man crying into his empty pint, local sources report. Duke Nuke ‘em, former legend, can often be heard sobbing over a shockingly small amount of empty beer glasses.
Steve Daniels, the bartender of the famous rock n roll bar, is concerned about Duke’s decaying mental state.
“Everyday he comes in and he is all like ‘I’m gonna kickass and drink beer, but I’m all out of beer!’ Then after like 3 beers he starts bawling and freaking out all the other customers,” Daniels said. “I try to say ‘maybe you should take it easy Duke, go home, get some rest’ but he is kinda this big muscular guy and he had his devastator with him so what the hell can I do.”
Smackhead Jake, a local patron, said Duke can still be a good time when he’s in the right mood, but that is less often nowadays.
“I like it when Duke is in that uplifting manic mood. It cheers me up too. He is like this god-like character who makes everybody better around him,” Jake said with admiration. “But you know that state never lasts very long. Alas, after the third beer he just started crying helplessly how he never got the comeback he deserved and how he can’t say anything anymore. I really feel sad for him. He is the Duke afterall.”
Duke was hard to reach, but answered a ninth phone call to his tiny studio apartment.
“I never cried. That is just bullshit. The king never cries. I was just sweating from the sheer excitement of getting back to killing aliens,” Duke said. “Randy Pitchford sent me a message on Monday and asked me to come to their offices for a meeting. That can mean only one thing right? The Duke is fucking back! Damn I’m looking good!”
At press time Gearbox Software announced today that they are finally retiring the Duke Nukem series. “It’s just not worth it anymore. Times have changed. We have better games to do,” wrote Randy Pitchford in a tweet.
