LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — After a lengthy battle in court, the 18-year old hacker responsible for leaked footage of Grand Theft Auto 6 was sentenced with imprisonment until the release of Grand Theft Auto 7, Rockstar’s legal team confirmed.
“It was the only punishment that fit the crime,” said the sentencing judge. “I could’ve done a life sentence, but that’s usually just 25 years served. The release of GTA 7 will be much later than that. Perhaps never, depending on the yearly revenue of GTA 6 Online.”
The idea that the sequel to a highly anticipated game would take longer than a literal life sentence sounds ridiculous to some, but for a company like Rockstar, one life sentence almost sounds optimistic.
“We have one other game scheduled before we start work on GTA 7, so it’s at least 25 years away,” said a senior Rockstar developer. “The game in question is Red Dead 3, which will take place after Red Dead 2 but before Red Dead 1. The open world and all the missions are almost done, but we will be hard at work for the next decade on giving each hair on the horses’ testicles accurate physics. It’s not easy to be perfectionists, y’know.”
Many Rockstar fans feel that the sentencing of this young hacker was far too cruel, but others seem to believe that it wasn’t enough.
“If I was the judge, I’d make him rot until GTA 8 or 9. Hell, maybe even 10!” said a very furious fan.
“I was hoping to go into the next installment with no idea what to expect. Sure, every GTA up to now has been a violent open-world shooter with satirical commentary on American culture, but what if this one wasn’t? It could’ve been a MOBA or a roguelike deck builder, but now the mystery is ruined!”
Insider sources claim that any future security breaches on the studio will be answered with the cruelest legal blow possible – imprisonment until the release of Bully 2.
