MIDDLE EARTH — Local hermit Gollum credited his pescetarian diet for his 500-year lifespan, nearly five times higher than that of a typical hobbit.
“The benefits of fish oil have been known by the wise for since the First Age, precious,” said Gollum. “The tricksy White Council doesn’t want you to know about it. Neither do the elves, who try to stuff you full of carbohydrates with their filthy lembas. They want to keep immortality all for themselves! Goll- I mean, Sméagol wouldn’t lie to you, precious. Sméagol only wants you to live forever! He only cares about being your friend.”
Some Middle Earth residents were receptive to Gollum’s message.
“I could swear that Merry and Pippin came back from their ‘journey’ taller than they used to be,” said Togo Proudfoot, a hobbit of the Shire. “There were rumors, you know. Folks saying that those two took a potion from the ents. A draught, of sorts. I don’t believe all of that, of course, but they must have taken some kind of supplement. Maybe they were actually just following Mr. Gollum’s health advice. I heard he was a guru for Mr. Bilbo when the latter was young, and he’s been living in comfort with the elves of Rivendell well past his eleventy-first birthday. It’s worth a try, anyway.”
Others were skeptical of the senescent halfling-creature’s claims.
“All of that fish talk is nonsense,” said Bertulf, a human resident of Bree. “It’s that magic ring he’s got, innit? That’s what’s giving him unnatural long life. Eating fish isn’t going to make you live forever. No, for that you’ve got to take up the Ranger Program. Eight weeks out in the woods with Aragorn’ll get you right. All them herbs and concoctions he shows you, those are the secret to immortality. I mean, look at him. He’s nearly 90 years old, and he looks a hell of a lot better than Gollum. I know who I trust.”
At press time, Gollum was seen scrambling into the Cracks of Doom, presumably to harvest lava fish.
