Sacramento, CA — A horrifying new report confirms that the person playing the mobile game Gardenscapes in a recent advertisement sucks ass.
“They were this close to winning the treasure and then they made the brain dead decision to use a bomb instead of a key,” says Robert Dixon, a frequent recipient of the Gardenscapes ad. “I had to download the game myself to prove to this dumbass how easy the game was.”
Even the ad itself seemed to mock the idiot player with a huge red “FAIL” stamp at the end.
“I swear I’m doing my best. Some of these games are just really really hard,” says Javier Vargas, the mobile gamer at the heart of nearly all mobile gaming advertisements. “You try to save a mustached bald man from imminent danger by redirecting hot lava to a different chamber. It’s not as easy as it sounds!”
The advertisements seem to disagree. As Vargas continues to make birdbrain moves an IQ score lowers and lowers to a near medically concerning level. This ad tactic, however, is done by design.
“We only hire the worst,” says Rich Lyons, the senior director at Blue Sky Creative Agency. “Our hope is that once people see a straight up dipshit play our client’s games, they feel the need to download and play the game themselves just out of spite towards the guy.”
Dixon was speechless upon hearing Lyons’ words. He had not only downloaded Gardenscapes but has since held a top spot on the leaderboard. “I thought it was strange how the gameplay in the ad had zero relation to the actual gameplay but I figured it would eventually get to those games after the first few levels.”
This was not the case. “Oh my god. This whole time I thought the person playing those ads was a fucking moron, but it’s me who’s the actual fucking moron,” said Dixon with a thousand yard stare.
At press time, Vargas was seen jumping into a snake pit instead of walking around it.
