BELLEVUE, Wash. — Digital video game distribution company Valve Software is worried it might have to go back to its former trade of developing beloved video games due to an upcoming lawsuit.
“This is totally gonna suck. I’m gonna have to go back to work if this thing goes through,” stated Valve artist Dan Smith.
The former game developer is facing a class-action lawsuit that asserts that the dominance of Steam on the PC games market increases the prices of games due to Valve’s service taking a 30% commission from the sale of each game.
“It took me 13 years to write Half-Life: Alyx. Do people actually expect me to write something sooner than that?” said Valve writer Dave Jones, while packing bags on his way to an out-of-state casino resort. “I was hoping we could just coast on being the dominant gaming marketplace.”
The rest of Valve insists that they do not have dominance over the market and pointed the finger at their main competitor, The Epic Games Store. In the ongoing Epic vs. Google judicial case, it was confirmed that the store is spending more money on operations than it is generating from game sales.
“Can’t we just Zoom it? I’m just in my chill-out era,” Gabe Newell, Valve president, responded to the in-person deposition request while under a cozy-looking blanket, adding concerns that he could catch a cold. “No one is requesting anyone from Ubisoft Connect to be present in front of a tribunal.”
“Hm? What is- hrmpf,” exhaled Valve designer Frank Merks after being woken up from a nap in his office.
